By: DREW

Pay no attention to my bear-like countenance, boyish charm, philosopher’s whit and rugged outdoorsman masculinity (editor’s note- and tons of humility): I’m by no means perfect.

I woke up like this

I woke up like this

I’ve lied, cheated and watched “Preachers of L.A.” more than once. I’m flawed. We all are, considering the only perfect entities in this world are Jesus and Sade. In the many times I’ve cheated I can honestly say that not all of them have been Beyonce-esque ladies. Don’t get me wrong, some of them were, but some looked like Gargamel on crack.

Standing beside the car you'll see a bad decision I made

Standing beside the car you’ll see a bad decision I made

I hear women all the time, after dealing with the original sin of their guy cheating, end their hurt filled laments with “…AND the bitch was ugly!!” Women for some reason can’t comprehend why their man would cheat on them with a “lesser” female. As usual I have to be the bearer of bad (honest) news and explain the 5 reasons why Bahamian men cheat on their women with ugly girls.

We have penises

I love how women say “Men only think with one of their heads” then forget that men only think with one of their heads. Did you think it was a game? No, that’s not a myth ladies, it’s true. And no, it’s not just because he’s drunk and disorderly, I’m talking free thinking sober men have gone above and beyond to get with alarmingly unattractive females just because they offered it up.

Don’t get me wrong, we will NEVER admit to these females to you or our boys but rest assured; it happened.

"Babe, you really think I would touch that when I have you?” Yes. Absolutely he would

“Babe, you really think I would touch that when I have you?”
Yes. Absolutely he would

Now to be fair all men have standards when they’re sober. But those standards are dependent on your man’s taste and general circumstance. He told you his bar was from 8-10 when really he has no issue dealing with a 6 if no one finds out.

So, imagine when he’s drunk.

That 6 turns into a classy 4. I say classy 4 because maybe she’s ugly but has a good job and educated so he’ll allow it. To be clear no one is trying to go to Potters Cay at 3am for a level 4 female because they likely have a condom eating disease. But an accountant 4 who won’t talk your business? Ya, that’ll do. I can’t say it enough ladies, our dicks allow for pretty much whatever is available within the moment if the stars align. And by stars align I mean if she is willing, discreet and has a pulse.

We’re Drunk

Yes I know, it’s not and excuse but, you know what? It kinda is. Understand something, an honest good boyfriend is not going out on a random night to just have sex with an ugly girl. Never happens. One of 2 things is going on if that happens: Either you’re dating a cheater, or he’s just done with you and the relationship and doesn’t care anymore. Let’s be clear: we’re not talking passable female, we’re talking egregiously unattractive female here.

If she was pretty then you can argue that he’s genuinely interested and he had this all planned out BEFORE he got drunk. Strong argument. But if she’s that ugly? Naw we call those Plan D’s (No pun intended).

Plan A - GF/Wife Plan B - Side chick Plan C - Ultra thirsty THOT Plan D - The young lady you see above

Plan A – GF/Wife
Plan B – Side chick
Plan C – Ultra thirsty THOT
Plan D – The young lady you see above

By the time you hit plan D you’re in a black out and you wake up to a face full of regret smiling at you. This is about the time your boyfriend/husband realizes how dangerous these streets can be and heads home to you apologetic and wanting to change.

If it’s any solace for you ladies just know that this is the itchiest most paranoid drive home your man will ever have in his life. Men are idiots and think that because she is unattractive that she has to have some equally as ugly disease so, condom or not, we now have that shit and we are VERY concerned. A piece of lint can glide across your member and you automatically think its herpes. Its around this time that we get really close to Jesus..

The closest to God a man will ever be is when he thinks his dick is "itchy"

The closest to God a man will ever be is when he thinks his dick is “itchy”

She’s Present

A lot of people think that Bill Clinton had sex with Monica Lewinsky because maybe she was beguiling or seduced him or perhaps he is just a “bad guy”. The latter point is debatable but the point most men will agree with is she was just there.

Yip ladies, its literally that simple.

No she didn’t seduce us. No she wasn’t attractive nor did she have a quarter of what you bring to the table. Usually when very busy men cheat it’s with whoever they spend the most time with like a house keeper or co-worker because they’re there and you’re not. How many nannies do we have to sleep with before you people understand this? Jude Law, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton, Ben Affleck and the list goes on. These women were in no way as gorgeous as their wives or as successful. But for some reason they spent a lot of time with these women enough that it lead to sex.

This is the ex wife of Tiger Woods

This is the ex wife of Tiger Woods

He cheated on her with this not -as-fine female

He cheated on her with this not -as-fine female

Any questions?

Understand that you spend the majority of your adult life at your job. Think about it: He wakes up, goes to work, and spends 8-12 hours at work. Drives home to then spend maybe 2-3 hours with your family, if that. Then it’s off to bed and repeat. Guess who he’s spending the entire day with: Yip, Diane from Purchasing.

“Hi, I’m Diane. For every gym session you miss I look more and more attractive to your man during his 8-12hrs with me 5-6 days a week. Have a good day!”

“Hi, I’m Diane. For every gym session you miss I look more and more attractive to your man during his 8-12 hours with me 5-6 days a week. Have a good day!”

Also ladies, the cute secretary bit is played out. More and more women are reaching higher levels in these offices so while you’re worried about the 22 yr old gorgeous but ditzy secretary he hired, there’s a 42 yr old, unattractive, divorced and willing female who only wants a quickie in the executive bathroom because she has a meeting in 15 minutes and truly could care less about your dude. The greatest trick the devil ever played was letting you think she didn’t wear heels, have a masters degree and willing to do terribly nasty things to your man in places you won’t.

Your dude been “working late” since 2010 but I’m ugly though, right?

It’s this one thing that’s got him trippin…

For some reason women seem to think that men’s taste are linear. That we think on an even plane without deviation. Not true. I judge a man by 3 things: his music, his taste in liquor and the porn he watches.

Oh your man doesn’t watch porn? Check that bookmarked tab labeled “Work Links” and buckle up, princess

Oh your man doesn’t watch porn? Check that bookmarked tab labeled “Work Links” and buckle up, princess

Keep up with me ladies cause this is about to get weird for you. First off, 98% of you have no idea how dark your dudes sexual fantasies are. Sure he says he wants a threesome or for you to wear that wonder woman outfit but trust me, it gets so much darker than that. Now the really dark stuff is probably illegal and for fear of judgement he’ll never view it or suggest it. But the rest of it?

...this is where he finds it

…this is where he finds it

All that said, let’s say he’s really into little people porn. Then guess what, that not a little person but 4’10 unattractive female he slept with just so happened to be one of his fantasies. Now he told you it was a mistake and he didn’t mean to and “it just happened” but trust me….he pursued that shit. Let’s say he has a wonder woman fetish and is really into Amazonian women. That explains that 6’3 ugly chick he messed with a few months ago.

Is it making sense now?

And fetishes start at A for age and then run the gauntlet all the way to the letter Z my dear. Now to be fair, I cant say this enough, some men cheat just to cheat. There’s no denying or defending it. But if he cheats with a horribly unattractive female that has some overtly unique feature then it was probably a fetish. Don’t believe me?

60% of men on this island would have sex with whatever the hell she is. The rest are gay or in jail.

60% of men on this island would have sex with whatever the hell she is. The rest are gay or in jail.

You think your dude is different?

She’s not ugly

We’re on to you, ladies. We’ve figured out your go-to when you catch us cheating. Stop me if you heard this one…

“…AND she ugly…you know she’s ugly right? Cause she’s ugly….AND she fat”

“…AND she ugly…you know she’s ugly right? Cause she’s ugly….AND she fat”

There is not one Bahamian woman on this island that has ever caught their man cheating who has admitted that the female he slept with was attractive. Men could have slept with Rihanna and they’ll be on some

“Oh you think cause millions of men like her that she's pretty? Um No….her eyes are weird and that’s a weave boo boo”

“Oh you think cause millions of men like her that she’s pretty? Um No….her eyes are weird and that’s a weave boo boo”

Do you know how many times I’ve been caught with an attractive female, been told she was ugly and been like…

But here’s where it gets real: In your head you seem to think that you’re the epitome of what he’s looking for. Not necessarily. Don’t get me wrong, your guy loves you and wants to be with you. But chances are he’s had better looking by leaps and bounds it’s just that he found something in you that he treasures and wants to be with. Men mature to a point where looks aren’t everything and we look beyond the physical. Women just happened to get to that point way sooner than we did. So in the infancy of our new found emotional maturity, rest assured while you’re insulting the female you caught us with and verbally laying waste to the girl, we’re thinking to ourselves “But….you’re not as fine as her OR most of my ex’s”.

I know guys that only took down 10’s in college and then married a 7. No shame in that because that 7 had what those 10’s didn’t.

“Hi, I’m pretty face and I’m going to use these good looks as much as I can to get ahead with no regard for emotional development or general intelligence”

“Hi, I’m pretty face and I’m going to use these good looks as much as I can to get ahead with no regard for emotional development or general intelligence”

We know you need to call this female ugly because of our recent transgression and that’s okay. Just know that we’re fully aware that she’s hot as hell because our boys co-signed before we banged her behind Quality Markets that night after we had that argument. But do your thing and name call, we understand.

In Conclusion

Understand I’m not condoning cheating nor am I trying to bring women down by calling them ugly. Beauty is subjective so we can all agree there are people in this world, male and female, who are just violently unattractive may it be in our own eyes or in general. I find Helen Mirren extremely sexy and to a lot of you she may be an old wench.

If you don't think this is sexy you're wrong

If you don’t think this is sexy you’re wrong

I’m just trying to explain why men who HAVE cheated have done it and their thinking behind it. As usual I’m only here to enlighten and to entertain via hilarious dark unsettling truth.

I want to take this time to thank everyone for reading my blog this past year. It’s been fun writing for you as I’m sure you’ve enjoyed making fun of how bad I am at this. Rightfully so. I’ll probably be drunk somewhere making mistakes for the next two weeks so be safe.

I hope you all have a Merry Xmas and an amazing new year filled with orgasms, nights you cant remember and, if you’re lucky, (Thundercat) love.

What a time to be alive.

Comments