“Guys, guys, guys….lets sync our periods up so our boyfriends can all be annoyed and confused at the same time…..and go!�?
Everyone’s eyes went wide as if they were holding in a secret too long as a chorus of agreement rang out amongst all of us. It was a glorious and freeing moment when we realized that if we didn’t get it then there were probably others, like us, who were genuinely confused by this growing trend of island celebrities and why they exist. It is within this vein that I give you 5 Bahamian “celebrities�? that need to stop.
The “Model�?
Lets be clear here, kids: The requirements for being a model on this island are few: Don’t be grotesquely overweight, don’t be (subjectively) ugly, and be alive. It’s a little more stringent with guys as the ladys like to see abs but height doesn’t matter once it translates on the page.
“I’m just saying you seemed taller in the Tribune is all. You’re paying for dinner though right?”
What amuses me is how these “models�? act in real life away from the camera. Oh and by the way…
This is not a photographer. This is just a man with an iphone and a fetish
I remember asking a girl one time what type of modeling she does and she looked at me as if I had 8 heads. She then responded with “Mostly underwear stuff�?.
You can’t be in these streets modeling underwear you bought in LiL Generals but acting like its Risque Avenue. No one told her there were levels to this shit. What makes it worse is these photographers who clearly want to have sex with them gas them to the point of thinking they have a legitimate chance at modeling. Sir/Madam, you don’t. If you’re taking semi nude shots, for a globally unknown photographer, you weigh more than 150lbs, on an island that is 21 miles long, with a population that thinks modeling for a fried chicken ad is “rock star�? status then no; I need you to settle down and call it what it is.
Listen, by all means model and help a brother out. I have photographer friends that are always looking for girls to photograph for hair and clothing ads. I’m just saying if I run into you and you’re clearly a waitress or a gas pump attendant and I ask you your occupation, your answer should not have “modeling�? anywhere near it.
Modeling is what you tell someone you’re trying to hook up with and even then you say that shit late into the conversation not at the beginning of it. In fact, if you’re actually a model-esque person, trust me, they’ll ask. But if NO ONE asks you if you model then just assume no one cares about your “Lakenaleisha Liquor Store and Weave Emporium�? ad in the Punch…..and let me get $20 on pump 5, playboy.
The Light Skin Girl
We all know the light skin girl. She probably has some stupid name like “February�? and loves to throw it in wherever she can.
“February showers! #MyNameIsFebruary #MyHairCurlsWithoutProduct�?
Now understand I, like every other man on this island, love light skin women. I’m sorry, girls of other hues, but they just catch the eye. We weren’t mad when Shamar Moore niggas ruled the 90’s so you cant be mad at us now.
Ironically, it was a dark time for us
Now as much as I might love these ladies a few of you have taken it upon yourselves to come out of pocket and think people care, not only about your daily thoughts but what you’re up to every 10 minutes.
No one gives a shit, my dear.
This is the girl that takes a selfie and then captions it with some inspirational paragraph THAT SHE WROTE. That’s like me masturbating to a video of myself masturbating. Are you a psychologist? Do you do inspirational talks at schools? What qualifies you exactly to impart so much knowledge onto to me at 8 am to the point where the “See More�? link is cutting you off mid sentence on Facebook? Don’t get me wrong I’m all for inspirational quotes but every day? Seriously?
Then they think people give a shit because they get 489 likes every time.
Let’s break this down: You’re gorgeous, that’s fact. But check your likes. Of that 489, 300 of them are guys that want to get in your panties and are PRAYING that you see that they like your shit every day. 100 of them are girls that hate you and hope your hair falls out in a freak curling iron accident but like it anyway to show they aren’t haters (More on that later). 49 of those people just hit like because….you know….niggas. And the last 40 are family and friends who are equally as delusional (mentally ill) as you are and genuinely think you’re wise. I get it, you got things to say and you need to get it out but keep it 100; you just want attention because therapy is expensive and knowing those 489 people like you mends that abyss in your soul. I’m wrong? Ok, quick question: If you really wanted to impart selfless knowledge onto us then why is it accompanied with a selfie?
I’ll wait.
The Local Rapper
I believe in Bahamian talent, we’re surrounded by it. But guys, if you’re over 25 and you’re new to the “rap game�?, and you live on this island trying to make it onto the billboard top 100…..chances are you won’t. Please don’t confuse what I’m saying: I think we have a plethora of talented kids out there that can rap just as well as the American kids. Probably better. But let’s be honest, bruh: Until you get that record deal that you think you’re gonna get from Pastor Troy…it’s not happening. Settle down, get an education, get a job….cut it out. I’m not trying to kill dreams here I’m trying to be realistic.
A friend of mine was telling me about a date she went on with a guy and that was dudes opening line. My friend is 33. Your opening line to a 33 year old female with her CPA and a mortgage is “I’m a rapper�?? Really? You’re no different from the model: You people love to just lay out your failures from the gate.
“I don’t make any money off my albums yet but my cousin knows the the guy who sold Drake a pair of Jordans once. Literally all my eggs in that basket right now�?
Learn to ease people in to your crumbling soul crushing dreams, don’t lead in with it. And no, I don’t want to buy your mixtape. Sure you can GIVE me your mixtape for free. I’ll even listen. But buy it? Popeye’s is open now, I’m gonna see what damage that $10 can do on some chicken.
Your fake American accent and inability to form a proper sentence won’t do what a 5 piece can, Carl
Oh, and by the way, I’m never going to call you by your rapper name ever in life.
When I met you your name was Richard, not “Pine Woods�?. We’re both 30, stop it. I’m glad people like you and I’m happy that you have 5,000 friends on Facebook, I really am. But answer this: Of those 5,000 friends, how many of them bought your album? You can spit all the piping hot fire you want in your back yard. Just do it when you get off from work is all I’m saying.
The “I Used to be…�? Person
What happens to a dream deferred? They come back to Nassau and relive it one social media post after another. Within the ever growing talent pool in the Bahamas we’ve had a few scrape the ceiling but never quite bust through it. We are proud of Sidney Poitier, Lenny Kravitz and the like but for some reason people think we should also pay homage to what they perceive to be groundbreaking
“I played ‘Angry black cashier #2’ in the movie “Potcake Wonderland�?…what do you mean you don’t know me?”
Understand there is a difference between popular and “celebrity�?. There’s what, 200,000 people on this island give or take? Its not hard to be well known, albeit popular. But to claim you’re anything more than that and assume the title “celebrity�? is a stretch. I don’t need to hear about the time you met and sang with Tamar Braxton is all I’m saying. We live in a tourist destination, its not hard to find a celebrity and take a photo with them.
“Me and J Cole hanging out like we always do! Love you, J. #humbleBrag #iDidNotHaveSexWithHimForFame #HeDefinitelyRemembersMe”
Now one must be careful when addressing these people because its nothing they love more than to call ANYONE that spews anything but love their way “Haters�?. They love them some haters. So much in fact that they’ll talk about some form of hate coming their way at least twice a day.
“I was at the barber today and some dude said I looked “chubby”. I told him its just more of me to love!! I’m so sick of people hating on me!!! Now everyone click like to prove that you’re also not a hater.�?
No one is hating on you, you’re just annoying. What you perceive as hate is actually pity. That’s peoples way of not flat out saying “Didn’t you used to be a “somebody” and not this? What happened?�?. Instead they just don’t click “like” on your posts which then results in your whole friends list getting hit with the….
Seriously?
Yes, I know its your Facebook and you can post whatever you want (you make that clear every time someone’s annoyance builds to a boil and speaks out). I’m not trying to get you to stop posting. I’m just saying what thousands of your friends wont say to your face. People click like and keep tuning into your shitshow not because they like you but because people love to see pompous things lose. Don’t believe me? Google Rhonda Rousey and take notes
Everyone loves you until life kicks you in the face
The Bloggers
Bahamian blogs are popping up all over the internet; everyone has a voice that they believe must be heard. The question is should it?
In an era where an entire philosophy can be condensed down to a meme it’s almost refreshing to have people willingly discusses issues in long form. A unique take on politics, sports, music, pop-culture or business is always welcomed but the problem enters when everything seems to become derivative.
Bahamians are getting more and more into the web and its turning into a rat race to see who can post the most relevant topics and provide the most ‘click bait’. Some of these people constantly write downright diabetic drivel giving their opinions on relationships and “Bahamian love�? as if they know a goddamn thing about what they’re talking about.
Well….this is awkward
I’ll be the first to say I’m more or less a masculine Tyler Perry
Are we still trying to convince ourselves he’s straight or…….?
I can admit what I am. No one gives me a harder time about it than the guys from the site. Even though its becoming popular it’s a small pool and I’m noticing biting each other is becoming a thing. If your blog caters to a certain demographic then stay in that lane. Some people thought Soul Plane was a riot and some people like movies that are funny. It takes all kinds.
The important thing is originality. We don’t need several of the same brand of humor, sports coverage, podcasts and whatever version of an American video clip you saw and want to duplicate. We’re all one big happy blogging family just trying to waste as much of your time as humanly possible and maybe make you laugh or enlighten you in the process. But the waters get sullied when people start “borrowing�? themes and material and claiming it as their own because it became popular on another blog.
“He wrote about 5 ways to please your girl, I’m gonna write about 5 ways to please your WOMAN. He won’t notice!”
We’re faceless entities behind keyboards imparting our nonsensical thoughts on the internet and praying to God it entertains and distracts you away from the everyday monotony of it all.
We hope we’re not what you expected.
