by DREW

My ex used to say something that would drive me up the wall: “All Bahamian men are the same”. I would defend us with vigor and pride, attempting to convince her that, not just us, but all men were flawed. We would go back and forth to no avail and in the end we decided to agree to disagree.

Just kidding. It always ended horribly and with tears

Just kidding. It always ended horribly and with tears

I’m a curious guy. I like to research and think and drink which then makes me think better (I tell myself). At the bottom of the Johnny Walker Black bottle I discovered the truth: Bahamian men are the reason why relationships on this island are screwed.

Yeah, I know guys, she did blah blah and then had sex with that Rick Ross shaped douchesicle but, hear me out, cause these are the 5 ways Bahamian men are ruining relationships.

We have a history of whoring

Bahamian men have short attention spans. Maybe it’s because we hate the overt truth. Maybe it’s because we’re cowards and don’t want to face it. Or maybe it’s because the truth just isn’t as cool as having a whatsapp full of names like “Chick from Bambu with the fat ass”. I don’t know, I’m not a psychiatrist. But guys let’s stop for a second and try and remember who our uncles, fathers and grandfathers were.

People on this island act like cheating (or as Bahamians affectionately call it “sweethearting”) is brand new. As if, because marriages are ending now, the relationships between men and women on this island are doomed. Not the case. Men here were always bad as hell at marriage its just that women aren’t putting up with bullshit anymore.

I have a grand uncle with 60 odd kids. The reason the “odd” is there and not an actual number is because no one is really clear on how many there are.

Be fruitful and multi-fuck everything that moves, apparently

Be fruitful and multi-fuck everything that moves, apparently

This dude has kids littered around the globe and for the women he had in Nassau, they were faithful to him knowing he had all these other women. Let that sink in.

Women in that day would be friends with the other woman, have play dates with the kids, hell, they’d jointly cook for this nigga and send him a plate. The unspoken rule was as long as he was providing for his tribe then he can do what he wanted. Sure there was jealousy which manifested either verbally or physically, but not nearly as much penis castration as there should have been.

So when daddy was done being a horrible, cheating, loathsome human being, what kind of women do you think he raised? Bitter ones. Then they, in their justified angst, had daughters of their own who they trained to be more independent so they wouldn’t have to be with a man similar to their dad. And here we are. So before we judge these women for cheating on us, using us, getting pregnant with another dude’s kid …let’s remember that we did to them in days past. Women aren’t worse today at all: they’re just catching up to us.

We’re volunteers, not victims

Stop me if you heard this one: Guy walks in to the bar and meets a girl. Young lady doesn’t have a clear thought in her head outside of “how much money do you make?”. He wines and dines her for a year or so. She insists that he pay her rent, car note, clothe and feed her, etc. All of which he does without hesitation.

"Worst 2 minutes of my life but I got the money so I'll meet you in 10."

“Worst 2 minutes of my life but I got the money so I’ll meet you in 10.”

They get married, they live far beyond their means for years. They divorce (after the shocking realization that she never loved him) and she takes half his shit.

Now to most men this is a horror story. It pains them to read those words “half his shit”. But as painful as that is to read did you ever stop to realize that he signed up for his own demise? He’s not a victim, he’s a volunteer. He knew what she was before he married her. Sure you hope someone changes but how many more signs does one need? Here’s the issue: That same guy could have been with a successful, good looking, financially independent female who could have offered him true love and, chances are, help him get his money up. But she’s somewhere in her cash bought condo, sipping wine and reading a book that isn’t “50 Shades of Rape Grey”.

This would be rape if he was an NFL player. But I digress...

This would be rape if he was an NFL player. But I digress…

Then these same guys go around yelling that there are no good women out there and try to use women because they’ve had their heart broken. Now to be fair, that’s been my response to most break ups: You go out, speak ill of your ex, get drunk and find a comfortable vagina to settle into for the night. I support that. But some of these guys are so jaded they make it bad for the rest of us.

Listen, if you have that kind of money and time to waste then please, by all means, go to the strip club tonight and find your wife. Godspeed. But if you notice she’s only interested in sex after you pay her light bill and only calls you “Big Daddy” when she needs some money then please don’t be mad and take out your frustrations on the actual good women out there that didn’t do shit to you. Also stop being a bitch. Please and thank you.

We feel entitled

I remember coming back home from college, my ego was through the roof. I discovered the gym, got a few tats, even grew some dreadlocks….

I was ready to fight the establishment, I just needed a drink first

I was ready to fight the establishment, I just needed a drink first

I came home expecting to be the messiah because in college I had my fair share of females. When I got back I was hit with the harsh reality that, not only was my hubris misguided but it was a huge turn-off to all the women I tried to date. That’s when my cousin sat me down and told me to humble my ass and reminded me that I wasn’t better than anyone else, a sobering lesson and one I’ll never forget.

Now in my last article I wrote how hard dating is on this island and how it’s hard to find someone after you’ve traveled. That still holds firm. But that does not give you the right to come home, start making money and then start shitting on Bahamian women as if your mother isn’t one. The joke of it is half the time the only thing these dudes have to bring to the table is their money and education. I know a lot of boring corporate guys who come to the bar, throw money and God awful pickup lines at women then get mad when they go home alone or with a gold digger who isn’t smart enough to check them for their shit.

The joke of it is some of them end up with girlfriends but here is something you guys need to know: she is totes cheating on you with someone who isn’t like you at all…

...we're all thinking it

…we’re all thinking it

Now to a lot of women this douche sounds attractive. After all I said he made good money and for some women it’s enough just having financial security. If that’s your thing then do you, babygirl. But to the initiated females who are equally as smart, equally as paid, and equally as traveled this guy is a dick because he treats them the same way he treats the gold digger.

Listen, I get it, dumb chicks are easy and we talk to them accordingly. Respectfully but accordingly. But if you’re in the presence of a lady, and a smart one at that, all she wants is your respect. She wants to be heard and maybe talk about something other than your salary, car, girls you used to fuck and “this one time with my frat brothers”. You’re not entitled to anything on this island from a dating perspective because, like everyone else, you live here. Now if you live abroad and come home sometimes then by all means talk your shit. Hell, let me live vicariously through you. Otherwise? Sit. We’re all in this zoo together.

We’re hypocrites

I’ve cheated and done my thing on the side many a time. Trust me my past isn’t pretty in the slightest. Then one day, after multiple offenses, my girlfriend at the time told me that she cheated on me with another guy. I lost my actual mind. Punched in a door, cursed her out, and made her answer a shitload of very uncomfortable questions.

"Did he use his pinky finger? GODDAMNIT,DID HE USE HIS PINKY FINGER??!?!?!!"

“Did he use his pinky finger? GODAMMIT,DID HE USE HIS PINKY FINGER??!?!?!!”

In that moment, and months after, I conveniently forgot I had put this woman through hell for the better part of 3 years. My story isn’t unique. I know married guys who are probably dick deep in some secretary as we speak but let them think their wife is even flirting with the gas station attendant and they are packing up their guns and ready to go to war. It’s not fair. We expect to lie, manipulate and cheat on women repeatedly, ask them to forgive, they do so over and repeatedly, then they say “fuck it” and….well….end up fucking it, then we get mad?

What makes it worse is a lot of these females come into the relationship wanting to be your one and only. It was never in their wheelhouse to go outside of the relationship. But you put her in a space where she felt like that was the only solution. I’m not justifying her cheating the same way I’m not supporting yours. But how long are you gonna poke a caged lion before it bites your nuts off?

I know how much it hurts, believe me I do. But I’ve learned that the easiest way to not turn a good woman slutty is to be the person you expect her to be. Now a bad chick is gonna be a bad chick regardless. But if your girl is home cuddled up watching Netflix alone for the 2nd month in a row then don’t get mad when you meet some dude there giving her what you refused to…

...or a female. More like Netflix and Jill am-i-right?

…or a female. More like Netflix and Jill am-i-right?

We settle

I always laugh when my friends complain about their failing marriages and how much they hate their wives. My response never changes: “But nigga you ASKED her to marry you though”. Do you Bahmian men realize that these females never would have married you, and you wouldn’t have to go through the shit you’re going through right now, if you just never got on your knee and proposed? Don’t give me the bullshit that she was going to leave or she gave you an ultimatum. If I walk up to you on the street and demand that you give me all of your money and property or else “I’ll leave” you would laugh in my face and then probably punch me in mine. But it makes sense to marry this female you’re 32% sure about? Then when the marriage goes to shit she ends up bitter and hating men, you end up broken and alone, a shit ton of wasted time has passed and now you’re both fat, old and completely out of the loop. Two lives ruined because she asked you to shit or get off the pot.

A lot of you guys just need to get off the pot and move the hell on. A lot of you guys have developed Stockholm Syndrome and convinced yourself its love. Fun fact: If you have to keep telling yourself it is then that’s not love, that’s a hostage situation.

Marriage in 2015

Marriage in 2015

There’s a reason I’m not married and don’t have kids: I wasn’t ready and I refused to do it just because I can trust this female to not cheat and she’s “domesticated”.

There has to be more to it than that. There are too many women out here that are mothers and not wives and too many men who are providing for their families but that are totally disconnected from them as well. If you’re going to get on your knee know what you’re investing in. Because forever is a long ass time and if not, note that divorce isn’t cheap. People miss out on their true love because they were busy “loving” the one they’re with.

All in all not all Bahamian men are the same. Some guys have all of these traits, some 1 or 2 and I know a few that have none. Yes, there are still good Bahamian men out there. Sure they’re a little bruised, a little broken and a little rough around the edges. But fellas it’s on us. If we can do the opposite of the traits listed then imagine how much easier these relationships and marriages would be. We started this fire and it’s up to us to simmer it.

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