So you broke up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. I’m sure you had your reasons but if you’re being honest a large part of it has to do with the fact that you just need to be single right now and don’t need them asking you “where this relationship is headed” for the eleventy millionth time. You’ve gone through the stages of the breakup…you know: mad, angry, sad, drunk at the beach crying because you could have been better but damn it they liked Nickleback which is an affront to God’s plan for your life. As it stands you’ve officially gotten over you ex…

The math for getting over your ex is passion/frustration x vitriol/time spent

The math for getting over your ex is passion/frustration x vitriol/time spent

Now you’re single. In the Bahamas. Well ladies and gents there’s a reason why so many of your miserable friends are still married to their miserable spouses and still living their miserable lives. It’s because its slim pickings in these streets. So before you take that leap, before you come back home and before you decide you’re done with your gf/bf…..here’s the 5 things you need to know about being single in the Bahamas.

No one is single

Let’s be clear: there are tons of single people on this island. In fact you can go out right this second, drive around and find a girl or guy who will date you on sight. Problem is those folks are either violently unattractive, ghetto, jobless (with no drive to not be) and or just not what you’re looking for.

...or all of the above

…or all of the above

So if you’re up for lowering your standards and just settling because you wanna pop out some kids or need to get your rocks off then by all means, the options are there. But for the rest of us that don’t want ugly kids, it’s a sad reality but it’s true, my friends; There are not a lot of single people on this island. The average guy has at least one person he’s sleeping with between girlfriends and the average female is just settling for the dude she has because she was single way too long last time and winter is coming (editors note: Bahamian winter where it’s 75 degrees and everybody wears scarves and gloves) ….

...and with winter comes cuffing season

…and with winter comes cuffing season

Now there’s single and then there’s single. Single to a lot of people means you don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend but we’ll accept a kid or two depending on your baby mama/daddy drama. But to some single means you come with no attachments and you’re just alone and frankly if that’s what you’re looking for please know that there’s slim pickings in these streets.

I’m sure there’s a straggler here and there but they are like unicorns: If you don’t capture them when you see them trust me, you’ll never see them again. If you’re lucky you can find somebody who’s just “talking” to someone nowadays because that means you can infiltrate that situation and conquer. But usually the average person has a fuckbuddy, friend they haven’t slept with yet or ex they aren’t fully over but “you’ll do”. It’s all about knowing what you can handle and dating accordingly.

Oops, they’re married! (Or in a relationship)

So you met this guy and he’s amazing!!!! ( You can always tell how amazing a man is to a woman based on the number of exclamation marks involved. Fact) He’s polite, opens doors, pays for meals, knows the difference between “you’re” and “your”….you know, the important things.

women

I let him hit it on the first night cause that nigga’s contraction game was on point!

But then for some reason his timing is regimented: He never calls or sparsely texts after 6, when you try to call him he whispers or for some reason calls you “homie” or “this guy”. Or maybe you ran in to him with who he later said was his cousin but introduced you as his good friend. Yip, he’s married or probably has a girl. Now there used to be a time on this island where that was strictly a female issue. Guys were cheating on their spouses and leaving the side chick in the dark. But as of late females have caught up and it’s just one big mess.

giphy

I have met countless females who have told me, mid-date mind you, that they have a boyfriend or a husband but “things are rocky right now”. You couldn’t tell me that before I brought you in public and said leave your wallet home? What makes its worse is that they will then convolute the story and have you convinced things with their significant other is on the ropes then string you along for a year or two with no end to the relationship in sight. No judgement what road you choose may it be to entertain that burden or to leave but just do your background checks before you put your heart on the line because where there’s smoke there’s marriage.

Nassau is Small

I, like most people, have a past. A stained and complex past to say the least. I have cheated, lied, and more or less been a bad guy in several situations. Now I would love to seek salvation and settle down and do right by the right female but the problem is Nassau is small as shit and people talk.

I have stumbled on several females who, after talking for 5 minutes they blurt out “Wait…didn’t you used to date Shirley?” which I then have to defend. Now one can argue that you should never have to defend who you are or your past mistakes but that’s bullshit. We all have to, at some point, defend ourselves against public hearsay. I’ve legit spent whole dates cleaning up what people heard about me or what I did in my college years…

...or last night

…or last night

I’m sure it’s the same for a lot of people especially females. Believe it or not men talk more than women and once a female has been with 2 or more guys in the same circle trust me the word gets out and she’s treated accordingly. It’s by no means fair and there is a huge double standard at play. People change. Situations change. But it’s hard to be different if you’re judged by who you were at a different time in your life. I definitely am not the person I was a year ago much less 10 years ago. But alas, when living within a population of some 300,000 odd people it’s hard to navigate through the rumors and lies people tell. And, if I’m being honest, some of it is true but that’s information I should have the luxury of telling you from my own mouth and not the mouths of every Tom, Dick and Kendelekeisha.

There’s nowhere to go (unless you want to get your face murdered)

Nassau is not as violent and dangerous as the murder rate may imply; you just have to know how and where to be and sadly those places are limited. Understand that for the average Bahamian there’s a myriad of places they can go and have an amazing time if they have a total disregard for general safety. But if you’re like me then you need to be able to drink and be social without the fear that a fight won’t break out. This has left people of like mind with very limited options.

"Ok it says Bambu plays techno music...thugs don't listen to techno right?"

“Ok it says Bambu plays techno music…thugs don’t listen to techno right?”

Now don’t get me wrong there are options but when you chop those options down its better to just find one spot and let that be your haunt while praying to God some new booty walks through the door. Think about it: if you live east there are about 8 options. Of those 8 bear in mind what I said above, Nassau is small which means at least 2 of those places has an ex girlfriend/boyfriend you don’t want to see. Another 2 are just meh and not really your scene. One of them is expensive as hell and another one is outdoors and if you’re anything like me you need air conditioning all the time.

If you were doing the math that leaves you with 2 options left that you have to juggle just to have a change of scenery every other Friday. Know what would really negate all these options? Having a gf/bf to just go home and drink with but unfortunately you’re single and don’t own cats so being social is what you’re almost forced to do in order to put yourself out there. (There’s also going to church but their operational hours aren’t conducive to people with hangovers or people that don’t want married Deacon Johnson’s sloppy seconds) If you’ve found your haunt then by all means enjoy and count yourself blessed. Lucky is the man that finds a comfortable place to drink with good food and a stable crowd of likeminded people. But if you’re new to this single life then you’ll find out pretty quickly that our social scene is not for the picky.

You’ve traveled (Dated foreign)

One of the biggest lies Bahamians tell themselves is that there isn’t a bigger world beyond these waters. Sure we have cable television and Netflix that allows us to see what goes on in other places but to actually travel and go to those places reveals a lot about just how ignorant a lot of us are when it comes to life and within this context dating. This especially applies to those of us that had the privilege of studying abroad. Let me be clear; I love my people and I think we have some of the most beautiful people in the world right here in Nassau. However, some of you are not as good looking or worth the time and effort you think you are.

I’ll explain this with math. Try and keep up. Let’s say I go off to school in California for 4 years. While in California I date nothing below an 8 (Based on a scale of 1-10. 1 being fugly and 10 being Kim Kardashian). Now, because I’ve done some travelling, I’m fully aware that I am good looking enough to get a 9 or even a 10 on a good day but I’ll settle for a 7 with a personality…

Or a 5 if I'm drunk

Or a 5 if I’m drunk

I leave Cali and come home. Now keep in mind what I said above: Nassau is small so to find an all-out 9 or 10 is rare and if you do they’re taken. You arrive home only to find that there are a bunch of 6-ass females walking around like 9’s because 4-ass niggas with no other point of reference have convinced them of this. If these 6 women think they’re 9’s then imagine what the actual 9’s think of themselves. (Picture of woman in a cage/untouchable “Exactly”)

So that leaves you in a bind because now you have to fuck around with a 7 female who thinks she’s a 9 and has the attitude to go with it. Then you remember you were abroad with a 9 who treated you like a 10 because there are 9’s and 10’s walking around everywhere in Cali. And this works both ways. Women have it the same way that men do here. You constantly have to settle or in the least dumb down your expectations which then leads to regret and resentment when you realize you could have been in California with an actual 9 but you’re home with a 7 who treats you like a 5. This is one of the reasons why so many people stay in horrible relationships because they just straight up settle after realizing that, we, it just is what it is.

In the end its all relative. I’ve heard people that live in much larger places have the same complaints about where they live and then come here and think the dating scene is amazing. The same way I’ve seen people travel abroad and lose their mind and date like crazy with a plethora of options. But whether you’re male or female, gay, straight or vegan I gotta say: it’s hard out here for a pimp.

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