By DREW

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the easiest person to be friends with let alone date. I’m an obnoxious drunk, I am terrified of confrontation, I can get pretty loud when hyped and I have a pretty intense, almost sexual love for bleu cheese bacon burgers.

I lied.... it's 100% sexual

I lied…. it’s 100% sexual

In essence: I’m a handful. Being me has lead to some pretty awesome nights I don’t remember and some mornings filled with regret. I’m no stranger to being kicked out of a females’ home or yelled at for any number of reasons. All valid I’m sure. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert on women or arguing with them but take it from a (relationship) war vet, these are the 6 steps you need to know about (verbally) fighting with a woman.

The Overture

You did something. Yes, fellas, I know you have no idea what you did but trust me you did it and when you did it you did NOT seem sorry or even acknowledge that you did it but trust me my friend, it was done. Women have an uncanny ability to see some shit minutes, hours, days before and let that shit marinate. Men are blunt instruments, when it happens we deal with it within the hour. Some new guy likes your photo and we don’t like his face? I’m calling you. Oh you know shit is real when someone in this day and age actually dials a number to have any type of verbal intercourse.

This is shits creek and some female on the phone is up it

This is shit’s creek and some female on the phone is up it

Not women, they will wait until you’re doing something you love and then interrupt that time to have (what they think) is a much needed conversation. Men, we must live our lives always ready for the fight. Its futile trying to always be aware of your day to day actions. We’re men, we’re gonna fuck up eventually. But if you can stay war ready then that’s half the battle.

Shut up

Now for as stupid as I admit men are trust me women slip up too and it’s normally in their initial rant. Understand she’s mad at the one thing you did but she’s also pretty livid about a myriad of things you did before that one thing but she never vocalized that so now you gotta hear ALL that shit.

“And this isn’t just about you not cleaning: remember 8 months ago when I chose not to say anything about the other thing you did? Ya, let’s get into that as well"

“And this isn’t just about you not cleaning: remember 8 months ago when I chose not to say anything about the other thing you did? Ya, let’s get into that as well”

Let her talk, let her get it all out. But the key thing here is to listen. We men have very short attention spans. Shit I’ve fallen asleep during some rants before only because it’s just a loop of how wrong I am and how grateful I should be. But I’ve learned to sit back, listen and even take notes because trust me only about 40% of it is fact. The rest? Feelings. That 60% is just bullets in the chamber of the gun you’ll need for the upcoming shoot out. The key thing is stay awake, stay focused and listen.

Now, that being said, there are a lot of pragmatic women out there who will hit you with 99% facts and spit those Jadakiss gritty mid 90’s bars at you. They won’t sugar coat shit and get to the point so fast your head will spin. If you have one of those women then this article is not for you because you’re never going to win any fights with her. Apologize and make her a sandwich. But for the rest of you men with emotional women? Keep reading as we need the views just as much as you need the help.

Be empathetic

This is very difficult for a man and ladies you need to recognize this. Look at the cartoons men watched growing up: He-Man, Thundercats, Dragon Ball Z. Now compare them to the ones girls were made to watch; The Little Mermaid, Snow White, Cinderella etc. Note that the boys’ cartoons end with them having dealt with shit in 22minutes or less. Someone threatened He-man, He-man cut his dick off, and everyone goes home safe. The Little Mermaid is a hour and a half of some fish/woman hybrid with rabid insecurities and unchecked selfishness who is really bad at choosing a partner.

I don’t care how much magic you use this is still bestiality people. Why are we not discussing this?

I don’t care how much magic you use this is still bestiality, people. Why are we not discussing this?

In essence, women were raised differently than us and  both men and women need to recognize that. We were raised to make decisions and roll with the punches. You were raised to be a bit more emotional and feel things a bit differently and, for some, to make decisions based on those feelings. Your heightened sense of emotional awareness is equally as annoying to us as our lack of it is to you. So patience is needed.

But from a male perspective we need empathy a whole lot more because trust me we rarely if ever know what’s going on in your head. Guys this is a critical stage in the argument because if you don’t try to “really understand” what she’s saying this will bite you in the ass in the long run. Ask questions, put yourself in her shoes and try and get it. If you do ALL of that and you still feel this argument is unwarranted then strap in and get ready for….

The Crescendo

Now you’re yelling, she’s yelling AND crying and she’s possibly already thrown something at you. You’re now saying things that you’ve always wanted to say and you don’t know it but you’re in deep deep shit my friend. See you’ve just been baited into what I like to call a shitstorm.

While you were following the above steps what you (or your girl for that matter) didn’t realize was now you’re emotional/mad. The typical man sees the argument coming and either leaves before he gets too heated or just walks away. We NEVER want to have the conversation. But when we finally submit and those waves of emotional energy flow over us we then get in our feelings and men in their feelings is an ugly thing to behold.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

But that’s not the shitstorm. No no, you have way bigger problems than some yelling and name calling. She has a sniper comment positioned for a headshot and you have no idea. See she knows you’re a man and we men bury our emotions deep into our souls. She also knows what will get to you. Maybe you have daddy issues, mommy issues, penis issues etc. Now you’re yelling but while you were doing so you didn’t realize her tears had dried and she’s standing there with a fucking smirk on her face ready to take the kill shot….then she says it:

Guy: “We’ve been arguing for an hour I’m starting to think you enjoy this shit!!”

Girl: “Well its either an hour of this or 3 minutes of you trying to give me “enjoyment” in bed ……at least when I scream at you now its not fake!!”

Welcome to the shitstorm, my friend. But this is where you have to keep your composure because, unbeknownst to you, you’re actually winning this fight.

Mayweather It 

(editor’s note: this is a reference to Mayweather’s fighting still in the ring, not his extensive history of physical abuse towards his girlfriends)

If there’s one thing I know about women if they’re right about the topic in question then you’re done. Be a man, humble yourself and tap out. When a woman knows she’s right she will hit you with facts all day. All of a sudden they become what’s her face from Law and Order: SVU and God help you if they have proof of your offenses. They will keep on topic and not stop beating you over the head with it until you submit. However, if they are wrong or have any room for doubts? They go rogue. They start bringing shit up from your past, things you nor she remembers clearly. She will latch on to anything she possibly can to turn the argument back in her favor. So she’ll have you against the ropes but let her just keep throwing blows until she tires out. In the words of Bill Burr “Bob and weave that shit”.

This is what winning a fight looks like.

This is what winning a fight looks like.

Just keep hitting her with facts relating to the argument in question until she either cries or calls one of her friends to bitch about you. Now with this comes consequences. She probably won’t have sex with you, won’t feed you, won’t speak to you and won’t acknowledge you. Honestly? Best time ever!! Because that just means you have time to get back to what the hell you were doing before she came at you. Leave her upstairs let her cry it out. Yes you absolutely have to apologize at some point for calling her a “lifesucking harlot with no soul” but for now leave her to think it out. You should do the same (lol just kidding, Madden time, yay!!)

Terminus

Depending on the female you’re dating this time can come 10 minutes or 10 days later. Some women just can’t stay mad and get over things quickly whereas some women get over it but feel like you need to be punished for another 9 days. To be fair this is all dependent on what was actually done so to be clear we’re talking about a general argument here not some life changing fight where now you have to decide whether to stay or leave.

"You don't like Yonce and that's fine but I just can't be with you, Mitchell"

“You don’t like Yonce and that’s fine but I just can’t be with you, Mitchell”

I would love to give some bullshit advice here and advise you to blah blah take the higher road and apologize blah blah. But listen, we have our pride but we’re also super horny for female tenderness as our arms are tired from all the masturbating. So I’ve found a trick that almost always works: Humble yourself, go into the room and tell her you’re going to her favorite restaurant for food and she can come if she wants.

But don’t just pick ANY restaurant you gotta pick the one she loves; Like that really pretentious Sushi place. Yeah I know its $88 a roll but spend it. Get a few drinks in her and some sushi and the situation will heal itself organically. You’ll get tipsy and give an apology you’ll regret in the morning and she’ll love that, try and make some logical compromise and then boom! Pants off party.

This may seem disingenuous to some readers but understand no argument fully heals and you never forget what was done and said. Its bullshit to think you’re just gonna sit down, agree and be done with it as is. Food and liquor won’t heal it but it sure keeps the ball rolling. As long as you’re moving forward is all that matters.

Slow motion is better than no motion, so let’s go get some spinach dip from Green Parrot, have some scotch, maybe a little risky car sex and let the healing begin!

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