I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach – that this gorgeous girl even considers me attractive enough to be worthy to pay for her food and drink. I remember the sweat that came down my face on that cold night and how paranoid I was about whether or not she noticed how lucky (sweaty) I felt. The dinner ended, I said nothing of importance outside of agreeing with everything she said including lying about totally being a healthy eater.

Wanna hear a joke? Standard serving size

Wanna hear a joke? Standard serving size

I was a mess.

I walked her to her door at the end and just before I could run the actual hell away she planted a kiss on me. No tongue though. I had been dating for all of an hour and I remember thinking “Where’s the tongue?” But I digress, that was dating. The dinner, the butterflies, the no sex at the end of the night. That’s what it was like. That went on for weeks and I was just happy to be able to be a part of the process.

What a time.

Recently I asked a few guys at my local haunt when was the last time they went on a date. The sheer confusion in their eyes was almost comical. It was like that look your mom has when you try and explain the Internet to them. It was enough for me to realize dating is dead, and I’m really happy about it. Here are five reasons why.

Far Less bullshit

Women talk a lot….like a whole lot, especially on dates. Now understand that we’re all ready to hear about your life and your ex and how he’s such a huge asshole. We’re all for that. But you know what? I could be doing some other shit while you’re reminding me for the 8th time about how you don’t need a man and love being single but you’re looking for Mr. Right because life is hard and your bills aren’t cheap.

Omigod is that you or your wallet? No seriously how much money do you make?

Omigod is that you or your wallet? No seriously how much money do you make?

Do you know what’s replaced the “sit down pre-sex face talking”? Texting. Now-a-days you meet a female, get her number and the text fest begins. To be fair, she for sure wants to get to know you as much as you want to get to know her, especially if this is more than  a “how fast can I get in your Vickies” type of deal. But even in that case I can text you all night while listening to music and watching the game. It’s far more entertaining enjoying Monday Night Football and getting to know you better than directly having to sit down and get to know you better. Men have short attention spans, so it’s great that I can dedicate a 20 second text, lying to you about “how I think women with larger asses are soooo overrated”, while simultaneously scrolling down my Instagram looking at pics of girls with large asses. Now does that mean I don’t care? Not at all. However it does mean that when we do meet we can get to an actual conversation because now we’ve already sifted through the bullshit and gotten to the meat of the issue: What do I need to say to get in your lady pants?  (just kidding….unless you’re up for it)

Far More Information

Men lie, women lie. Here’s what doesn’t lie? Facebook. Oh I saw your inspirational Will Smith picture encouraging people to “live your dreams”. On Sunday you got all dressed up and went to church with your family…#churchflow and whatnot.

Good for you, kiddo. But any real dude will tell you: we know what you’re up to and your Facebook is the mirror that lets us know just how broken you are. See women think we go to look at the 88 selfies you took and how you “never go out” because you had a status about Netflix once. No, we’re looking at those posts you forgot, the friends we have in common and those comments people leave under those selfies before we even ask you out. Its only so long you can pretend before that one friend tags you in a drunken pre-#churchflow pic showing you wearing 2 napkins and a quarter in the middle of the street “Bout to beat Endzone bad!!” Or that one guy who clicks “like” on every single picture you take that we KNOW is deep in your FB messenger chat (or quite possibly the boyfriend you said you didn’t have). Then there’s those friends we have in common; guys who we know are manwhores who you either slept with or, if they’re not your immediate family, you really shouldn’t be affiliated with if you’re a supposed “good girl”.

Understand, I’m not saying that ANY of the aforementioned makes you and bad woman or unworthy of being pursued. I’m speaking directly to those females that pretend they never go out, don’t have a social life and are just good Christians trying to find a like gentleman for long walks and #churchflow selfies.

Jesus saw you on that pole last night Brendalaquanda. No not the drunk Mexican buying you drinks, actual Jesus.

Jesus saw you on that pole last night Brendalaquanda. No not the drunk Mexican buying you drinks, actual Jesus.

Transparency

There’s something to be said for honesty. I’m at an age in my life where I’m done pretending as if I like your friends or that I think Big Bang Theory is funny.

BBT

Let’s throw nerd stereotypes, dated racial tropes and white female privilege at the TV and hope comedy happens for 5 seasons or more

There used to be a time that for months you had to like what she liked and agree with everything she said. Now that dating is dead, more and more people are just laying their cards on the table and being direct: Oh you think modern feminism doesn’t have holes in it? I do. If you don’t like that then we can have the conversation like adults or you can eff off.

It’s the same for women. I’m seeing more and more women who just tell guys “I’m looking for a husband and I need him to make money, be present and not be a dick”. Boom, done!

Now this may seem so simple and even arbitrary but this level of brutal honesty was unheard of a few years ago. Speaking for men, we were so busy just trying to get women to like us that we just bypassed honesty and self-love and went straight into Drake mode.

Every possible human emotion that has ever existed in this world rests in those biracial Canadian eyes

Every possible human emotion that has ever existed in this world rests in those biracial Canadian eyes

Nowadays people lay everything on the line and if you like it you can keep it and if you don’t then it was good meeting you. Added bonus: I didn’t have to spend $150 on dinner and a drinks to find that shit out. Thanks, Obama!

 

We’re Having More Sex

We’re all adults here, people. What is the point in lusting after each other and doing all this texting and vodka/cranberry buying if not to make our privates be near each other? What’s the point of it all? Yes I know you want a relationship and you want to be taken seriously but understand that having sex when you want to have sex (no matter how short the distance is from meeting to having sex) has nothing to do with why a guy goes or stays. Let’s say you meet a guy on Monday, text him till Friday, meet him out Friday night and do the forbidden dance by Saturday morning. If that guy doesn’t hang around then 1 of 3 things went wrong: 1, you said some shit between Monday and Friday that he didn’t like so he was willing to hit and then be out. 2. You’re bad in bed or 3. You were cool to text but in person you’re just super annoying and he can’t deal with your face. Now notice that in every scenario he had sex, we will always want to hit. The question remains then, what are you bringing to the table to make me want to stick around beyond getting some?

My longest relationship happened after a one night stand and my best relationship happened after maybe 7-10 days. I didn’t stay because we did the fancy dance too early or without “dating”. A lesser man would judge and the typical woman would cast the first stone. But in the end I stayed and fell in love with both ladies because beyond sex they brought something to the table worth staying for. The sex was just the (popped) cherry on the top. Long gone are the days of waiting two months and investing time in someone you would soon discover was a head biter.

The fact that there are classes teaching women how NOT to do this should tell u how big of a problem this is

The fact that there are classes teaching women how NOT to do this should tell u how big of a problem this is

We’re Communicating Better

People can say what they like about the cell phone age and what it’s done to our generation, its all bull. Sure some people text a bit too much, tweet too often and update Facebook more than any of us find necessary. But when else in our history have we been able to be as accessible as right now? Ladies you can complain about your guy not expressing his feelings all you want but we both know you have about 8 ways to communicate with him and he, if he likes his life, will use one of those arenas to text back. Texting now provides the butterflies that went missing with the traditional date and goddamnit its cute. Think about the guy or girl you’re presently flirting with: The “Good morning beautiful” text at 8 am. The midday “Hey handsome, hows your day going?” The late night “laying here thinking about you, cant wait until we go for drinks Friday ;)”. And the fun, “Wanna come over to watch a movie? I’m out of water but I have a few bottles of liquor…..”

Do I have what you drink....lol

…just a few

Yea sure we both know the intent but it doesn’t take away from the euphoria of hearing that whatsapp notification and wondering for the two seconds it takes to unlock your phone if it’s the one person you want to hear from. You can legit talk to the object of your affection the entire work day and voice note on the drive home then skype when you get to your room. People always frown upon people always being on their phones but sometimes it’s not just stalking your ex on Facebook or checking the Instagram of “that bitch from HR”.

Sometimes its just somebody getting a text from the one person that puts butterflies in their stomach. Before we had to do insane things like call or visit people at work. With gas prices as high as they are and phones being constantly monitored by more and more companies who really wants to go through that noise? Nope. I’m gonna snapchat the girl sitting behind me with the multicolored hair that I was telling you about so we can have a good giggle. Or you can voicenote me that Fetty Wap song we both were listening to when we met that night.

You twerked like an angel that night

You twerked like an angel that night

Technology can be the devil at times but for those willing to use to for good it’s a blessing.

I miss being young and asking a girl out for a date but we’ve supplemented the awkward physical date proposition for “Here’s my number. Text me” Sure it seems apathetic and unromantic but we’re no worse off for it. If it wasn’t for technology would half of the relationships we now know that have flourished even been possible? Would those same people have been together if we were still following the archaic rules of traditional dating? Maybe, but I doubt it. We’ve evolved with the times and our love has evolved as well. Shit, I remember back in the day when all we had was MSN messenger and you were on your laptop begging a girl to meet for drinks. Before that there were beepers and somehow we made that sexy. Remember beeping  “911 ;)”? You knew what that shit meant when you got it. Now we’re in the WhatsApp, viber, Skype, BBM, iChat, Snapchat, Tinder etc age. Pick your poison.

In the end it’s just all about our species getting along and understanding each other. Now if only they would make an app to stop you from drunk dialing your ex every weekend.

I’m looking at you, scientists.

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