Somewhere some feminist read the title of this article and lost her actual shit. I’m sorry Miss Feminist but the truth has to be told and seeing as no one else is saying it I figure I would. For far too long women have just been patting themselves on the back for all they do and for what they think is “the hardest job in the world” being a woman. How many sitcoms have we watched where the guy is so lucky to have his wife by his side and, had it not been for her, he’d be dead from his silly antics or die from starvation because God knows men can’t do anything right in the kitchen.

Like this idiot who thinks he can cook food good

Like this idiot who thinks he can cook food good. You know nothing, Bobby Flay

We are constantly insulted and demeaned at every turn may it be media, society or even in the home. Now before this gets out of hand understand that I was raised by women. No joke: I have no brothers, 3 sisters and the ratio of women to men in my extended family is probably 6:1. I know very well the value of a woman and what women bring to the table. However its time we just be honest, men have it harder than women…and here’s why.

We have to take the bullet

No, not a metaphorical bullet, that’s an actual murder bullet.  Men are expected to be protectors and that means protecting women at any cost. Now you can say something insane to your woman like “Well why can’t you go check downstairs when you hear a noise?” But then you run the risk of a 4hr conversation about trust and what it means to be a man from a penisless woman who has no idea what it means to be a man. That or she cheats on you with Bruce the mechanic who lives next door who is a man’s man unlike you with your white collar job where all you do is punch your calculator and make money for bills and new weaves.

Stop being a little bitch, Frederick

Stop being a little bitch, Frederick

If there is a bump in the night, if a guy disrespects her, if her ex won’t stop harassing her, know who has to stand up and fight for her? We do. Now to women that’s a simple thing: stand up, curse a bit, flex your muscles and scare away the predator. It’s not that easy as of late. Read the headlines, ladies; How many men have died trying to protect their homes? When these exes don’t take a hint and a man tries to stand up for his woman, how many murder suicides have you heard about? It happens all the time. Admittedly it’s not necessarily on that grand a scale every time but it happens every day to varying degrees. Every guy who has ever been to a night club has told the story of trying to sift through the streets littered with thugs and drunkards with their woman who decided this was a good time to wear that shirt-dress and heels in December. We have to literally protect her from swarms of nothing-to-lose gangsters that would sooner kill you and rape her for something to do than get a job. I’m not complaining about the role of a man in this regard, I genuinely believe a man should protect his woman. I’m just saying a little acknowledgement of the genuine risk involved would be appreciated. A little pat on the ass, kiss on the cheek, 3am McDonald’s line BJ…whatever you think he’s deserving of.

We have to be available 25/8

No that’s not a typo, the 25 is there on purpose; it accounts for that extra hour where you “should just know I need you”. That hour doesn’t exist because a woman’s needs are like the coming of Christ “..no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the son himself. Only the father knows.” The Father and your girl, apparently. Just know that when that need comes your happy ass better be ready. Typical scenario; You’re sitting at work minding your business thinking about that girl from Compliance with the bookshelf ass. Phone rings, your girl is on the other line hysterical because there’s a spider in her car and she needs to get to work. You have now become a negotiator, my friend. You have to talk her down and literally think of ways to metaphysically get that spider out of her car for her. God help you if you live 5-10minutes from where you work; that’s not even a conversation it’s a call to arms. She could have 18 brothers and a father and trust me if she has a flat tire she’s calling you. You’re AAA, Policeman, Fireman, insect/rodent killer and lifter of heavy (inconvenient) objects. You can be called at anytime, anywhere and must be ready to stop and leave whatever you’re doing at the drop of a hat.

Pretty much what women expect

Pretty much what women expect

And for all you women saying you would do the same for your men answer this: If your boyfriend called you crying hysterically about the roach in his car how long would that relationship last? I’ll wait…

We have to be providers

This is a controversial topic as there are so many angles one can choose to look at to address this. Yes, there are a lot of deadbeat men out there who are unemployed moochers who use women for whatever they can get. Yes, there are men who actually have the money but do nothing for their families as it’s all spent on their new girlfriend. Yes, there are men who are just straight up too selfish to understand that maybe school fee money shouldn’t be spent on shiny new rims.

Though, to be fair, Juniors grades have been slipping and these are some very nice rims.....

…To be fair, Junior’s grades have been slipping and these are some very nice rims…..

If we can acknowledge that these men exist can we also acknowledge that most men are raised to believe that they have to be providers for their women and a lot of these same men are losing hair and years from their life in the pursuit of this? I know so many guys who work hard and aren’t paid nearly enough for their efforts but are dating or married to women that demand a lifestyle that forces him to work even harder. Why do they do it? Because men have been raised to believe that the responsibility of provider is theirs and theirs alone. It’s an accomplishment if a man can give his wife the option of not working if they so desire. If you think that women don’t get off easy just look at the way society views stay at home moms versus stay at home dads. A woman doesn’t work and she’s lucky to have a man who can take care of her, good for her. A man doesn’t work and he’s the gold digging asshole using that poor woman for all she’s got. Society tells us we have to work, we have to provide or else we’re less than. Women have the option to opt out of that situation entirely if she so pleases and be praised by her other female comrades for “bagging a good one”.

Girl power!

Girl power!

We have to be in shape

Now I know what every sitcom has told you: Beautiful women date fat unattractive men all the time. Nope, not true. The only fat and/or unattractive men who get any kind of hot girl action are either rich or very rich. Women love to bitch and complain about how they have to be thin and society holds them to an impossible physical standard. Um, have you guys seen the standard we have to attain? Anyone can starve for 3 months and be thin like Angelina Jolie. Know what it takes to look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Gym memberships, strict diet, time and the right genetics. I’m sorry but we have the harder end of that paddling stick.

O9Y5IwB

And if you think I’m wrong go to any college or high school near you. Know who’s getting all the girls? The athletes: they are winning everything without a dick. I know what its like to be the the fat kid in school. I was friendzoned by so many women I pretty much knew their period cycles. Sure there are women married to overweight men now but check the pictures, those men weren’t overweight when they met and if they were they provided something that that woman wanted or needed for her to say yes to his proposal. Men need nothing but a functioning vagina and a reason, the way nature intended. To be fair the average man’s standards are way lower than the average females especially when there’s liquor involved.

...no but this really happens though

…no but this really happens though

We cant fault women for having standards. But if we’re being honest the male standard of beauty is harder to achieve than the female.

We get screwed over in marriage

Stop me if you heard this one: millionaire athlete meets gorgeous groupie female, gets married, a few years later cheats on said female then they decide to get a divorce. In the settlement, because he didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement, she gets half his money. People everywhere applaud and condemn the man for cheating and praise the women for getting her “just reward”. Now every woman who just read that doesn’t see the issue because they saw the word “cheating” which in most women’s minds should be punishable by death. But every man who read that saw one thing and asked the same question men have been asking for years: “The F did she do to deserve half this man’s money?”

She wasn't with me shooting in the gym!

She wasn’t with me shooting in the gym!

The answer is nothing, she did nothing. Now to be fair, I am a staunch believer that if you were there when that man was nothing and struggled with that man up to the point he made his money and then the marriage ended then that woman absolutely 100% deserves half. Same goes for women who helped grow a business or just in general was there from the beginning. You deserve that money because you were a part of that process as a partner. But if you MET me with millions and we get divorced shortly after then…..what am I missing here? What gives you the right to even assume you are entitled to anything that I worked years to build and profit from? Paul McCartney composed iconic music for decades. He married Heather Mills in 2002, divorced in 2008 and she walked away with $235million. Nas had to pay his ex wife $50,000 a month. This seems fair to you? Men are getting their heads cut off for making mistakes or just wanting to be free of their wives and no one cares because….

Male issues Get ignored

Wanna make people laugh? Go tell someone about the time a woman raped you. Better yet say something really funny like how your girlfriend or wife hits you all the time and then for a real knee slapper call it “abuse”.

lol....Hilarious!

lol….Hilarious!

Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis and not only was it a running joke but women actually (jokingly or otherwise) used it as a threat to their men. The term “See, that’s what happens” was used a lot that year, trust me I remember. Let that sink in for a minute. Now imagine I (jokingly or otherwise) threatened to punch a woman like Ray Rice did. Or if I offered to allegedly drug and rape a woman like Bill Cosby may or may not have done. I’d be arrested before I could even get to the punchline. That’s the reality we have to live with every day that a woman can walk up to you, punch you square in the face and walk away and you can do nothing. I’ve been hit and slapped by so many women its mind boggling. Did I deserve it? With my track record I probably did. But there are a lot of women who deserve a slap as well but that doesn’t mean you should do it (editor’s note: We can’t emphasize this hard enough, DO NOT do this.) Sometimes I want to punch guys in the face especially during football season, I don’t. Its called restraint.

Lots and lots of restraint

Lots and lots of restraint

No one should hit anyone and by telling me that a woman can get away with slapping a man but when a man does the same its abuse then we have an issue here. Both parties are wrong and if we’re calling one abuse then so is the other and they should both be punished the same way within the justice system. Understand, I’m not trying to get men to hold a march downtown for all the times we’ve been hit, the city would shut down. I’m just trying to hone in on the point that if you want equal rights you can’t nitpick about it because then its not equal anymore; It’s just plain old unfair.

I’m expecting this article to hit some nerves, I’m aware of the backlash this will bring. But if this article can spark conversation and healthy debate then I feel like I’ve done my job here. I understand that there are millions of women who are steely eyed realist and millions of men who aren’t. But its no denying that the world we live in is now feminized to the point of castration. Sensitivity is more important than truth. Feelings are more important than facts. Commitment is more important than individuality. Marriage is more important than personal growth. No one gender should be dominant over another, that’s not fair. In fact I think its just the opposite for men: we just want to get along with women. We want father’s day to be just as celebratory as mother’s day. We want the same pat on the back that mothers get every single day just for being mothers. We want to be acknowledged based on who we are as individuals and not judged based on the mistakes of other men. Not all of us are deadbeat dads, not all of us are out to rape and beat women. Valentine’s Day is coming up and if we’re being honest it’s a female holiday where once again we have to damn near reward women for being with us. How about this year, if you have a good man by your own personal definition, take him out to eat to his favorite place. Treat him the way you would want to or have been treated every other February 14th. Sure we love sex and beer and sports but sometimes we just want to hear that we’re worth it too. And for all the (I’m sure) very angry feminists reading this right now just know that not all men are not against you. Hell, most of us agree with you, we want it all to be equal too. There shouldn’t even be a discussion about “equal rights” considering we cant give you what all people deserve which is human equality as a whole. I’m just saying that there are two sides to the argument that women have it so much more worse than men.

Heres a picture of Hitler with some very scared children....that should make this less awkward. Is it working yet?

Here’s a picture of Hitler with some very scared children….that should make this less awkward.
Is it working yet?

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