It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. It’s the end of the beautiful game we love and the final defining game of yet another dramatic NFL season. As of Sunday, probably midnight (providing Katy Perry’s labia doesn’t fall out of her leather pants by “mistake” causing a delay [editors note: I pray to all of the gods in the sky that this happens, in this HD slow motion camera age, it would be marvelous] ) we will say goodbye to Football and everything that comes with it. On Sunday we will eat, we will drink, we will be loud and some of us will be proud depending on our team affiliations (regardless of how recently we started rooting for them). There are 32 teams in the NFL and only 2 have made it this far which, by my math, equals a whole lot of sad people who need to release that steam, and sometimes hate, enter the Superbowl party. A Superbowl Party is much like the Chinese New Year: we know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else but those who actually live for it but hey, there’s gonna be liquor and food so who cares.
There was once a time when these parties were sacred. 5-10 men huddled in a dark room drinking beer and eating pizza yelling at a tube TV. Nowadays it’s the exact same thing only surrounding those men are about 32 other people who could care less about Deflategate or a Marshawn Lynch press conference. They heard Pauline was making her lemon pepper wings and they want in. I’m one of those 5 miserable men actually watching the Superbowl and I have watched this celebration become a hotbed of stuff and nonsense filled with a lot of dead space aka idiots. Here are the 6 people who everyone hates at a Superbowl party.
This is the guy that always pulls for some bullshit team like the Titans because “Steve McNair was so underrated”. He is covered from head to toe in his teams gear and he knows useless facts about his team and his team alone. He has everything bad to say about the game and how it’s all “rigged” anyway. Yes because the mafia is why the Titans suck squirrel nuts. He will most definitely be the first one drunk at the party and he has some thoughts and opinions about anyone there with an actual winning team. For some reason regardless of what he drinks or eats he smells like Cuban rum and Marlboro Lights. Don’t think his wife or girlfriend can in any way calm him down because domestic violence is real and alive in his household.
Everyone hates him but we endure him because he’s someone’s cousin who insisted on inviting him and lets be honest: He makes all the other men look like Desmond TuTu, so we let him hang around so that we look awesome by comparison.
Mr/Ms Flag Football
Let’s be clear, people: Flag “pull the flag off my ready, tender hips” Football and American “Oh look my spine just came out of my ears” Football are two completely different things. Yes it’s the same ball and yes in flag I know you folks so love to brag about how there is contact and things get really “rough” out there but ya know what? You’re wrong. You’re also wrong about all the things you know about normal football. There’s always a flag football guy/girl at the party who loves to throw out their random unwanted knowledge of football as if they too got hit at 50mph from Vince Wilfork (If you had to Google who that is then you are the problem). Listen, I get it, you play flag cause its fun and its good cardio and you love the game. Hell even I want to play at some point this year just because its in some way related to the game I love. But it’s a very distant relation and a very different sport. I don’t need you in my ear with your limited knowledge about every single play that happens. That said; you’re not exempt from the odd comment concerning your sport like “Boy I wish I had hands like Dez Bryant”. That’s allowed, absolutely. But I can’t deal with you if you say shit like “If that was me I would have…”. What? What were you going to do? Get actually hit and die is the answer.
Then to make it worse its always some guy trying to get laid who pretends to be mildly intrigued by the female flag players empty football knowledge or a poor girl who is so thoroughly impressed by a male flag players advanced knowledge of the game. Stop misleading people and just enjoy the party.
Quite simply, go away. No seriously, go play somewhere or talk to your friends again about how you made the cupcake icing out of aspartame and love. The overcompensating girlfriend is easy to spot because, God love her, she is rooting for the same team as her boyfriend which in most cases is fine but remember I said she was overcompensating. So she annoyingly asks dumb questions the entire game and everyone humors her. It was cute in the first quarter but now it’s the 4th quarter, The Seahawks are losing and I don’t need to explain a goddamn 1st down to you again. Here are some phrases you will hear:
”Okay so babe did we score? So that’s 6 points or….oh ok ok because of the field goal that makes it 7. Ok got it.”
“Wait but this time he kicked he got 3 points but I thought he was only supposed to get 1?”
“I never liked football but Saekwon has really gotten me into it. I know almost everything about it now. Go Seaeagles!”
The kicker is; she thinks she’s better than all the other girlfriends or wives BECAUSE of her knowledge. She struts around with her nose high and more than happy to “explain” things to the other women as if she was always a fan. She yells when her boyfriend yells and talks shit to the other guys rooting for opposing teams because she knows it’s illegal to punch women.
If you’re that girlfriend/wife please understand something: It’s okay if you don’t care about football. No one is judging you sweetheart. You don’t see men watching the Dancing with the Stars Finale and pretending like we give an effeminate shit. Please feel free to do the same. During the game stop by every 15-20minutes to pour your man a drink or see if he’s hungry. Ask if his team is winning, pretend to care, give him a kiss then go talk to the other ladies at the party about weaves or Beyonce or tampons or whatever it is you people do when you’re alone.
The Ditsy Hot Chick
Yes, you’re hot. You came to the function in your short shorts, cut off Cowboys Jersey, makeup on fleek and hair down your back. You have no interest in the game and all the girlfriends and wives hate you because…well….
You ask the dumbest questions but unlike the Overcompensating Girlfriend you’re new booty so every man in the room is carefully explaining every single thing about football they can just so you can touch their thigh while you laugh at every single thing they say regardless if they are actual jokes or not. Problem is you need to stop touching the guys who have girfriends or wives because you’re going to get us killed or worse, have to leave the party early. You represent the woman that our girlfriends think was at the bar every Sunday when we go to watch the games. You are the sum of all of their fears, a living, breathing, ass implanted, double D threat that they really think wants to have sex with their overweight wing stained boyfriends. In this setting of liquor, sport and merriment they will not have you compromise the security of their relationship. That oddly shaped man is theirs and you cannot have him.
Side note: This chick is the best news ever for single guys as they weren’t expecting an actual hot chick at the party. Usually they end up chatting her up and entertaining her as the rest of the “happily” married guys stare at him with contempt and stare at her the way a starving lion stares at a gazelle. A delicious, thick, heavy chested gazelle.
These are the complainers. They literally ruin the party by critiquing everything but worst of all the actual game itself. There’s no way they don’t wake up in the morning thinking of ways to ruin people’s lives or how puppies are a nuisance and a menace to us all and should be “neutralized”. If they came with their boyfriends they constantly ask when the game is done or if the chips are “gluten free”. Yes my dear there is dairy in the goddamn spinach dip and yes there is meat in the wings. She’s the chick who wants to have an actual debate about the Ray Rice case in the middle of the game and gets upset when everyone condescends her or just plain ignores her. If it’s a guy, he’s constantly complaining about the liquor selection. Nothing is the way he would have it if it was his party. You have Johnny Walker black? Why don’t you have the Blue? Absolute Vodka and not grey goose? Insanity. The half time show act is always stupid and he has that shit eating grin every time someone says something he doesn’t agree with. His response to any question or comment is “Do you know how much I make in a year?”. Why do these people even come to the party is my question. They could have thrown their own party or just been somewhere else like…away. They suck the fun out of every single commercial, every play and ever event that happens. Feel free to curse at them or be mean to them. This is the one time I think bullying should be allowed as they are probably someone else’s bully in real life. Throw chicken bones at them as well as ice cubes, they probably still won’t leave because it’s lonely with all those cats back at home.
Mr./Ms. Superbowl Superfan
Don’t get these people confused with Mr/Ms Overkill, there’s a slight difference. Once in a while fate smiles on a team and they make it to the Superbowl just as their fans said they would. Deep down we all hope and believe that our teams will be there in the end. We spend the offseason discussing the changes that need to happen for them to get there and lament the bad decisions they make pertaining to drafting and coaching. That’s the joy of football: We live vicariously through these teams and we root for them even when they have no chance of even seeing the playoffs let alone the Superbowl.
We are fans to the end. Then there are the assholes who don’t know how to walk the fine line between being a dedicated fan and being a complete effing A-hole. If your team played on Sunday and you’re still talking shit on Wednesday then you are an unforgivable godless human being and the world has no use for you. Then to make matters worse, the devil has his way and your team actually gets to the Superbowl and you go from Bush to Hitler for two weeks before the game. The irony is if your team loses I guarantee that your social media reasoning will be “At least my team got there, none of your stupid teams got there so all of you are never allowed to say anything ever about Football again because of this”. Your ignorance and general unpleasantness is as permanent as your probable tribal tattoo that you probably proudly adorn or the “Mrs. Romo” tramp stamp you thought was a good idea after their first pre-season win. I get it, you’re excited for your team but there’s no need to make the entire party feel uncomfortable with how mean and dickish you are towards other people. Relax, cheer for your team, talk your shit but don’t be mean. There’s a line and you people are dry humping it into the ground.
Sunday will be a great day as all Superbowls are. It’s a celebration of yet another season and two very good teams are playing. This Superbowl is special as it’s very hard for me personally to pick a side as to who I want to cheer for. I’ve always liked (loved) Tom Brady as a quarterback and as a human being. Russell Wilson is the Obama of the NFL: A black guy who does everything right, the proverbial Boy Scout, if you will. It’s hard to choose between Handsome Jesus (Brady) and Obama (Wilson) but in the end I think it will be an excellent game. Let us eat drink and be merry together. It’s a day of celebrating, an evening of happy anxiety and the gathering of friends. We get to see Katy Perry pretend to know how to dance while Lenny Kravitz tries to remain musically relevant so we can all forget he was a hairdresser in The Hunger Games.
Have fun, be safe, and remember….the Colts are still the best team regardless!