Remember dating? Me either. Historians say that there was a time when a man and woman would meet in a social setting and plan a date. On this date they would break bread, talk and then go their separate ways in hopes that they impressed the other person so much that it would warrant yet another date. And then another, and another, until hopefully at some point they make sex.

Might as well kiss if you're gonna drink her milkshake backwash, buddy.

Might as well kiss if you’re gonna drink her milkshake backwash, buddy.

Keep in mind though these are the same historians who believe some white hippie walked on water, hung out with hookers and turned water into wine…but no one believes that, right? Regardless, things have changed. Nowadays you get drunk enough to build up the courage to talk to an equally drunk female, get her on your Whatsapp, text her until the following Friday then inevitably ask her to “hang out” at your place for some chicken, maybe some wine and hopefully some genital diddling. There used to be a time that evening drinking, fast food and conversation was all you needed to get in a ladies Vickies but those days are gone. Now you need a buffer, background noise to water down the fact that this motion picture is simply a segue into her lady pants. Ah, the struggle. Here are 7 movies that will guarantee you sexy time that night and hopefully many more nights to come.

The Notebook

notebook-680x1020

The Notebook is a Tyler Perry movie without the oiled up light skin guy and awkward pre-sex Gospel music. It makes you feel more and more like a bitch scene by scene but guess who is loving every scene: the chick next to you. But you have to do this right because this has the potential to go left very quickly. First off you download this movie, don’t buy the DVD, because why the hell does a straight single man own The Notebook. Not a good look. Secondly you bring it up breezily, make a joke of it to distract her from the tent you’re pitching in your pants. Pop that bad boy in your laptop, cuddle up and let Ryan Gosling do what God put him on this planet to do.

This is pretty much the movie right here

This is pretty much the movie right here

The downside is she’ll want to watch the whole movie. The upside is after the movie you’ll have a place to put your aforementioned pants tent.

Moment of truth: The scene in the rain where they are kissing. Women love rain kissing.

 

Love Actually

11174822_800

This is a personal favourite outside of using it to get laid. Any movie where Liam Neeson is being a father figure is golden, that’s fact. This is kryptonite for women especially in this Yuletide season because its breaks down that “he ain’t getting none of this tonight” wall. It’s a happy bubbly movie that lets her know you’re a sensitive guy that enjoys the little things in life. This is a movie you can own without judgement and still get major points because you’re not “typical”. It’s also perfect for the arm around the shoulder move as there are several tear jerking scenes that will make her want to be near something warm, safe and hopefully hard.

Not shown: Huge boner

Not shown: Huge boner

Moment of Truth: The Hugh Grant moment with the thick chick is a good scene. Make some preliminary comments about how you prefer a woman with some meat on her bones. Women love when you love “real” women (whatever that means).

 

The Lion King

The_Lion_King_poster

I know what you’re thinking. Its Disney, it’s a cartoon, it has singing. I know. I need you to believe me when I say this movie is lethal if you’re a guy’s guy. If you’re a large fella like myself or a blue collar guy then she’s not expecting Disney to come on your flat screen, though let’s be honest The Lion King was one of Disney’s more gangster movies. It dealt with sibling rivalry, murder, social prejudice, elitism, rampant incest, the talking points don’t stop.

Wanton cartoon discrimination sure is entertaining!

Wanton cartoon discrimination sure is entertaining!

Sing along to one of the songs, she’ll think it’s cute and suddenly she went from all the way over there to in your arms unaware that you’re about to kill her Mufasa. (See what I did there?)

Moment of Truth: Simba and Nahla getting nasty in the Jungle. Once you ignore the incest it’s a pretty solid transition into Sex Town.

Best way to get over the murder of your father is cousin sex apparently. Who knew?

Best way to get over the murder of your father is cousin sex apparently. Who knew?

The Best Man

220px-The_Best_Man_1999_film_poster

Don’t avoid this movie; it’s a pretty vital movie to have in your arsenal. This movie gives her a variety of men to look at and get her riled up. You have the light skin brooding guy, dark skin nice guy, intelligent hipster with locks and Morris Chestnut; He’s every woman’s type and pretty much your closer.

They'll lie and say he isn't all that but you know better

They’ll lie and say he isn’t all that but you know better

It actually is a pretty solid movie and one you both could actually enjoy without all the anxiety that first time can bring. Now you have to be a pretty secure guy to sit down and watch your lady friend swoon over all these men but trust me the payoff is worth the visual sausage fest. Is she thinking about you when you finally get it in? Not in the slightest. Do you care? No sir, you don’t. Her imagining you as someone else is a small price to pay for the glory that will come in probably 2-3 minutes.

Moment of truth: Morris Chestnut fighting (beating) Taye Diggs. Let Morris do the work for you, my friend.

 

Boomerang

Boomerang-Posters

Many of you may not be familiar with this one as it is an oldie but definitely a goody. It stars a very young Halle Berry, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence and Robin “Not the in the face, Mike!” Givens.

No one believes you broke that hand boxing, Mike

No one believes you broke that hand boxing, Mike

Now this is a tricky movie because you have to really commit. See this movie is about Eddie Murphy being a complete slut for most of his life then he meets Robin Givens who is also a slut and they make the whoopy. You’re probably wondering why I want you to sit a woman down and watch a movie about black men being whores; Spoiler Alert, he ends up with the good girl (Halle Berry, who he had previously cheated on). If you’re a guy who has a reputation for being loosey-goosy with your man parts then this is a shotgun blast to her chest because now she’s thinking to herself, “He is an asshole but Halle fixed Eddie Murphy…maybe he’s fixable too”. But remember you have to commit. Eddie Murphy is pretty slutty in this one so she’s gonna side-eye the shit out of you every time he does something playerish.

Side-eye on fleek

Side-eye on fleek

Suffer through it, ignore it, just keep laughing at the jokes and by the time its over she should be ready to fix you…all night long.

Moment of Truth: The final scene where Eddie confesses his love to Halle and gives up the player life. Without breaking your gaze at the TV, whisper “Good for them….good for them” under your breath. Thank me later

 

Crank

cranken

Crank is a horrible movie that makes my head hurt for how insanely stupid it is. It’s an action movie that’s way over the top and has a plot-line written by an 8yr old that forgot to take his Ritalin. Its guns, cars, high speed chases and Kung Fu fighting. Not exactly what one would sit a nice lady down to watch on your first night together? But what if you’re not trying to get with a lady, what if you’re trying to score with a Jungless (ghetto girl)? Then this is the movie for you. See jungless can’t comprehend visual affection and romantic dialogue. Her ex bf, probably named “Cardo”, never gave her any of that so you have to keep her stimulated with bright lights and moving objects. The dialogue is simple enough for her to follow and you don’t mind as much that she’s loud talking during the entire movie because you know you’re not missing anything important. Just sit back and let her stare at the pretty screen with the man doing things and junk.

"You think that car could fly over a mountain like that in real life?", asked the jungless.

“You think that car could fly over a mountain like that in real life?”, asked the jungless.

You’re already a shoe in this is just filler so she can brag to her friends that this time she “did it in a bed”.

 

Moment of truth: The public sex scene. Sparks that “craziest place you’ve ever done it” conversation that leads to the inevitable violent love making that jungless are known for.

 

Moonrise Kingdom

moonrise_kingdom_poster-3821576

Chances are you have no idea who Wes Anderson is and that’s fine, that’s why I’m here. Wes Anderson is what would have happened if Woody Allen had gotten Karen Carpenter pregnant on a grassy knoll in Narnia. He is the writer and director of several offbeat, slow paced pieces of perfection that are like moving art. Moonrise Kingdom is a brilliant love story between a boy and a girl who are quirky, damaged and incredibly awkward. Understand, this movie, just like sex and Valentine ’s Day, isn’t for you, it’s for the artsy chick who thinks you’re an shallow asshole who just likes to drink and watch sports.

Look at her dancing in her valley of judgement

Look at her dancing in her valley of judgement

Now all of this is true to the letter but don’t let her box you in, use this movie to debunk all of her original notions about you. This is your ace in the hole. You want to own the DVD and beat it up a bit so it looks used. Watch it before hand so you can say things like, “I love this part” and “I think her words here speak more to the human condition than anything else. More wine?”. The good thing about this movie is you can make any part of it seem ultra deep and you wouldn’t be wrong, just an asshole.

Moment of truth: This one is a toss-up. You can use any scene to your advantage really. It’s the one time you can be that particular kind of dick and get away with it.

In reality women know what your intentions are, they knew what the plan was when they said yes to the text. They just need to confirm that you’re not a complete idiot and worthy of her physical offerings. Really, as I said earlier, the movie is just background noise to distract from the growing anxiety that’s rising up in your/her pants. Stay the course and if you’re lucky you’ll win in the end. And by the way, for all of you who think I’m being insensitive just remember that Drake once said, “Make pasta, rent a movie, call a girl over”. If I’m wrong then so is Drake. Do you really want to live in a godless world where Drake is wrong?

After a movie date with Drake ALL of your panties would be So Far Gone

After a movie date with Drake ALL of your panties would be So Far Gone

Ya, I thought not.

Comments