by RENALDO DORSETT and SANNIE BROWN
Week 15 Awards
The “I’m A Man! I Drive A Dodge Stratus” Award presented by Will Ferrell – Mike Tomlin.
With the game on the line, the Steelers completed a gutsy third down call with a big pass play to Heath Miller which sealed the win. Tomlin turns to the crowd, beating his chest in the greatest “that was my call” celebration for a coach…ever.
The “Are You Not Entertained? No, No We’re Not” Award presented by nearly every Heisman trophy winner in the NFL – Johnny Manziel. Woeful performance in his first big league start. Constantly flustered, finished 10-18 for 80 yards and his team was shutout 30-0.
The “I Hear Rich Homie Quan’s ‘Walk Through’ Every time I Enter A Room” Award presented by Chad Johnson every day of his life – Odell Beckham Jr. Reports emerged that Jay Z said the two “will talk soon” after Beckham’s meteoric rise in popularity. How long before he’s holding up Roc-A-Fella sings after touchdown catches?
Week 15 Results
Renaldo: 9-7 (126-94-1, .570)
Sannie: 11-5 (125-95-1, .566)
Week 16
Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars
SANNIE: Ok, seriously, now that I know Michael Oher from the Blind Side plays for the Titans, how can I not pick them?
TITANS over Jags
Completely irrelevant, barely watchable and a network space filler. It’s good to see the NFL Thursday night games have remained consistent for most of the season. The only people that will be paying attention to this game are the front offices of the Raiders and Bucs, because someone has to be bad enough to get the no.1 pick in the draft.
JAGS over Titans
Philadelphia Eagles at Washington
SANNIE:Where has Mychal Kendricks been hiding all this time?
EAGLES over Washington
He’s literally in your contribution to the column every week. I’m enjoying this meltdown in Washington – Quarterback vs. Coach vs. Locker Room vs Fanbase vs. Owner vs. Everything good and just in the world. Sadly enough, this has been the most entertaining part of the season for Washington. No emperical evidence to back this up, but I firmly believe this whole thing turns around this offseason is RG3 gets a haircut and Daniel Snyder changes the name. By the way, remember when everyone loved Mark Sanchez and thought this was his resurrection? Well he’s 3-3 as a starter with a rating of just over 70.
EAGLES over Washington
San Diego Chargers at San Francisco 49ers
SANNIE: Google Manti Te’o images…You are welcome.
CHARGERS over 49ers
Iim not sure if that means she was impressed or repulsed into laughter, either way its extremely confusing. Almost as confusing as what to make of Phillip Rivers or Colin Kaepernick this season. The Niners’ struggles have been well documented but Rivers has been on a steady decline for more than half the season with a nearly equal touchdown to interception ratio and a 3-5 record
CHARGERS over Niners
Baltimore Ravens at Houston Texans
SANNIE: Joe Flacco. The end.
RAVENS over Texans
Clearly the Sannie one liner engine is running out of steam late in the season. Do women not named “Mrs Flaaco” even find Joe Flacco attractive? Must be nice to be a Ravens fan though – win out and they’re in the playoffs. I remember what that was like because the Dolphins had that opportunity last year…except they lost out. Little chance of the Ravens losing out for two reasons 1 – The Texans will start either Thad Lewis or Case Keenum at quarterback (yes they’re real life quarterbacks and not the frat boy villains from an Adam Sandler movie) and 2 – they have Steve Smith Sr on their roster.
RAVENS over Texans
Cleveland Browns at Carolina Panthers
SANNIE: That smile on Cam Newton, never gets old.
PANTHERS over Browns
If you’re the Panthers do you risk the long term health of your franchise quarterback for fledgling playoff hopes in the final two games of the season. If the Panthers win out and the Saints lose one game, they can somehow win this ridiculous division. One thing is for certain, whether Cam plays or not…Johnny Manziel is still the worst quarterback in this game.
PANTHERS over Browns
Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears
SANNIE: I think a Lion can beat a bear. Seems logical. right?
LIONS over BEARS
Another team with the “win out and you get in” route to the playoffs in play. Not only would they be in the playoffs, but the Lions would have a division title and a first round bye in the playoffs. This will explain everything you need to know about the 2014 Bears – Jay Cutler was benched this week in favour of Jimmy Clausen. Jay Cutler is the highest paid offensive player in the NFL, he’s not hurt, he’s just being benched for Jimmy Clausen.
LIONS over Bears
Green Bay Packers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
SANNIE:Now that Sons of Anarchy has come to an end (excuse me while I weep uncontrollably) I love Clay Matthews even more!
PACKERS over Bucs
I’ve never seen a more knee jerk reaction relationship between the media and a team like we’ve enjoyed with the Packers this year. We went from not believing in them, to Aaron Rodgers becoming the greatest quarterback of all time mid season, to throwing all of that out of the window after that ugly loss last week to Buffalo. If there’s anything that will bring Rodgers back to those Madden ’15 numbers, it’s the Bucs defence.
PACKERS over Bucs
Kansas City Chiefs at Pittsburgh Steelers
SANNIE: All the weave on the island seems to be sold out for Christmas. Troy Polamalu’s hair is a hot commodity right now!
STEELERS over Chiefs
I feel like this has potential to be a nation breaking issue. I don’t even feel like talking about football knowing this impending doom on the horizon. Is there really a weave shortage? I hope not because I’m pretty sure that’s the first step in turning Nassau into ground zero for “The Walking Dead.” Fourteen year old Indian girls everywhere, please don’t let this happen. As for the game, this is as close as we will get this week to a playoffs. Is that enough motivation to get Alex Smith to finally throw a touchdown to a receiver? I doubt it.
STEELERS over Chiefs
Minnesota Vikings at Miami Dolphins
SANNIE: Oh, so Renaldo is actually going to watch the game. So I’m going to be nice and hope they win since he will be there watching.
DOLPHINS over Vikings
Most people believe that Joe Philbin’s tenure in Miami is done if the Dolphins don’t make the playoffs. Since that dream is pretty much done for, let’s hammer this point home with another blowout loss at home, give Teddy Bridgewater a real homecoming, and give Adrian Peterson a firsthand view of the city he has to save next year.
DOLPHINS over Vikings
New England Patriots at New York Jets
SANNIE: Three people complained about to the FCC about Tom Brady’s cussing. Makes me love him even more.
PATS over Jets
Imagine how much he’s going to have to curse is the sideline reporters ask him to describe the Jets offence. There were two weeks of media fervor surrounding the premature demise of the Pats dynasty back at about week four. I enjoyed it, I barely remember it, but I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it nonetheless.
PATS over Jets
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints
SANNIE: Not only do we have Housewives but we also have Sorority Sisters.. Atalanta is leading for ratchet TV.
FALCONS over Saints
The NFC South is like your girlfriend’s annoying friend that doesn’t know just how annoying she is and their entire friendship exists for the sole purpose of trolling you. We don’t know why we’re continuously subjected to it, but we realize she’s not going anywhere so we have to begrudgingly grit and bare it. It’s hard to watch but someone has to win the worst division in NFL history.
FALCONS over Saints
New York Giants at St. Louis Rams
SANNIE: Protesters shut down Saint Louis City Hall yesterday. I love how they stand up for what they believe in. Maybe we can take a page from their book Bahamas.
GIANTS over Rams
I’m pretty disappointed the Giants were so terrible this year and we missed an opportunity to watch Odell Beckham Jr play some meaningful December games.
GIANTS over Rams
Buffalo Bills at Oakland Raiders
SANNIE: Seriously, does anyone think the Raiders are winning again?
BILLS over Raiders
From the perspective of a Dolphin fan, I have to wonder how many times in my lifespan that I’ll see the rise, fall and rise of the Bills. Meanwhile Miami has nestled itself firmly against the heaving bosom of mediocrity. Everything about this makes me hate my team. The Bills are 8-6 with Kyle Orton, EJ Manuel and two injured feature backs.
BILLS over Raiders
Indianapolis Colts at Dallas Cowboys
SANNIE: Maybe Andrew Luck will bring me some luck! Let’s go, beat Nal!
COLTS over Cowboys
Karma took Demarco Murray out of the game, maybe out of the season and it probably took the Cowboys title hopes with it. Critics (just me) have dubbed this the “On The Cusp” Bowl, teams right on the fringe of being great but might be going in opposite directions. Andrew Luck has looked like the best quarterback in the league not named Manning, Brady or Rodgers while we have absolutely no idea what the Cowboys will look like without SprayTan Murray under centre.
COLTS over Cowboys
Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals
SANNIE: Hi, Russell Wilson.
SEAHAWKS over Cardinals
No matter how much Bruce Arians tries to get us to believe in this “us against the world” mentality for the Cards, we still have no idea what to make of this quarterback situation. I’m glad the Seahawks are looking super human again. What the NFL needed was a villain on the field. I mean Roger Goodell is a real-life Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter type of villain, but they needed that dominant impenetrable team on the field. They seemed to lose their identity early in the season, went away from the run even the Legion of Boom were becoming getting injury plagued. What a villain needs in a time like this is more easy victims.
SEAHAWKS over Cards
Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals
SANNIE: ok, Andy Dalton really looks creepy. Like a creepy serial killer.
BRONCOS over Bengals
Which works out fine, because Peyton Manning looks like a hero, my hero. I don’t even care how that sounds, because…touchdowns.
BRONCOS over Bengals
