I’ve been dating women now for years and I rather enjoy women. If you’re lucky you find a woman who cares about you and loves you and treats you like the king you aren’t as you treat her as the queen you wished you hadn’t dumped last year. Now no relationship is easy, shit its hard sometimes just staying, just look at the divorce rate. You have to deal with communication, trust, monogamy, arguing about the racial makeup of Arianna Grande (Is she black, is she mixed, is she Mexican, is she all races? Who knows?). With all those small things that can bring a relationship to its knees sometimes we forget probably the biggest problem in a lot of relationships: friends. I have compiled a list of all the friends that women seem to have and why they are dangerous to your relationship and quite possibly your life.

The Party Friend

Every female has a party girl friend you just never see them and if you do its usually at the beginning of the relationship as chances are she was the female she was partying with when you guys met. Now I can’t fully knock the party friend as she was the one who got you laid that night. She’s a saint and a scholar but within the bounds of a relationship she is a destroyer of worlds. See she never stops partying and expects that your girl should party all the time the same way they were before the relationship. She’s the girl your girlfriend calls when you piss her off or when she needs a night out and her response is usually “Hell yes girl we bout to get TURNT!”

That bottle is filled with vodka and daddy issues

That bottle is filled with vodka and daddy issues

If you have a good girl then she usually cuts her off within the first month or so cause now she’s getting all the cuddling and Orphan Black marathonage she so dearly needed in her life. Beware if she doesn’t though because that means you may be actually dating the party girl and…we’re a little too old for that shit aren’t we?

The Cookie Dough Friend

I coined this term after watching this friend in her natural habitat: your girlfriend”s ear. The cookie dough friend bends and moves with whatever your girlfriend is feeling or whatever mood she’s in at the moment. You brought home flowers and her favorite wine? “OMG you have the best boyfriend ever and I need you to marry him cause he gets you and understands your needs and wants on this road!”. Very next day your girl texts you, you read the message but ignore it cause you’re in a meeting, your girl shares this with Cookie Dough, “Girl I mean I’m not saying he’s with another girl having sex without a condom I’m just saying that you can’t trust men and honestly I never liked him ever in life so I’m just saying maybe you need to leave him forever but it’s up to you I guess”.

She smells happiness and she doesn't like....not one bit

She smells happiness and she doesn’t like….not one bit

She hardens in whatever heated state your girl is in and does this without shame and with extreme prejudice. You can’t get rid of this friend so patience is key because chances are this friend has been there for her in past relationships. Note the “past”……your girlfriend won’t see the correlation but you do. We all do.

The Single Friend

Now this friend comes in many shapes and sizes. Some single friends are happy to be single and live their lives accordingly. They have things like hobbies and family and books to keep them occupied. God bless them. The most annoying of these single friends are the ones who are single and looking but just can’t get it right. They end up extremely depressed about being single and try to bring your girl down along with her leaving you in very weird place as now you have just become all the men that let her friend down.

Step away from the teddy bear, Diane. He's also tired of your shit.

Step away from the teddy bear, Diane. He’s also tired of your shit.

Your girl never tells her that she’s the problem or that maybe if her friend stopped her “no sex until the 27th date” rule that maybe then she could keep a guy. No, that would make too much sense. She would much prefer to blame it on the guy being “too horny” and blame men in general. This friend is annoying for sure but she’s manageable and usually lots to fun to drink with as she’s depressed and liquor helps her be less scrotum punchingly angry.

The Hate Friend

Ladies reading this article I have found out your secret and it is a dark one: You all have one friend that you hate. I’m not talking about your bitchy friend Sarone who won’t stop talking about all the guys she’s been with. No you don’t mind her cause she’s fun and reminds you of how glad you are to have a man. No I’m talking about that other friend, the one you hate with all your heart but keep around by default because you guys have been friends for some weird amount of time like 4 years. No one is friends with anyone they’ve only known for 4 years, FYI. You hate her with a preoccupied loathsome hate that brings out a side of you that your boyfriend doesn’t recognize.

They hate each other so much

They hate each other so much

Oh I’m lying? I’m making things up? Guys watch your girlfriend when the friend she hates calls and she sees its her calling. She has that instant 6 second freak out, “JESUS HAVE MERCY WHY IS THIS DUMB JUNGLESS ASS GIRL CALLING ME!! I KNOW SHE WANT SOMETHING THIS DUMB BI- Hello? Hey boo boo how you?”. Instant switch when she answers. I don’t understand why women keep these friends around but hey, it makes for quality entertainment to watch the same woman lie through her teeth so convincingly when she just had you in therapy for a month discussing why you lied about doing the dishes that one time 5 years ago.

The Logical/Common Sense Friend

Madam, wherever you are, whoever you are….thank you. Gentlemen get up out your seat, light a candle and stomp your feet for this woman because she is the only woman in your girl’s life that makes any sense. She gives your girlfriend pragmatic advice, she always listens but does so objectively, and she usually tells it like it is and not what your girl wants to hear. She is super chill, usually the girl next door type. She is just a gatdamn breath of fresh air when you consider this is usually the ONE friend your girl spends the least amount of time with. We love her because she is awesome and she is life.

Look how much sense she's making

Look how much sense she’s making

You’re probably wondering why she’s on this list as a problem: well guys, she’s usually the friend your girl thinks you secretly wanna bang. See she knows you hate all the aforementioned friends because they are all nuts and annoying. She sees how you react when she comes over; you’re super friendly and always nice to her. You welcome her as if she’s family. This is intimidating because she knows that she’s everything that girl isn’t and that’s a scary notion. She disregards the fact that you’re with her and all that jazz. This heifer is around her man being all chill and relaxed and common sensey and she won’t have it! The nerve of her thinking you have a point. This usually blows over but its never forgotten, it will come up in a loud scream in every argument, “I’M SOOOOO SORRY I’M NOT LIKE CAROL CAUSE SHES SOOOOOO PERFECT RIGHT?!”. All you can do is suffer through it and pray she gets over it because you definitely don’t wanna lose that friend as she’s the only reason your girl hasn’t killed you in your sleep as yet. Either that or pray she goes to confide in her gay guy friend Kennedy who is also chill but looks at your lips half a second longer than you’re comfortable with.

Now there are other friends that can be addressed but these are the main problems right here. It’s a losing game because women hang on to friends like men hang on to underwear: they know it’s a broken relationship that’s old and stinks but they still think it has some use. All you can do is pray you’re dating the Logical girl. If not then this is what you have to look forward to. Keep your head down, smile and nod and if worst comes to worst you can always leave, right? Lol Just kidding you’re in this forever, enjoy!

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