by ANDREW BAIN

 

Sometimes I sit at the bar and watch the girlfriends of guys who watch football.

You have the girlfriend who doesn’t give a shit and is texting her friends about how much she hates her life right now. Then you have the girlfriend who is just there to make sure her boyfriend isn’t with another woman in said pub and after realising the bar is filled with other sweaty men keeps asking whens the game over every two minutes. (We hate you and so does your boyfriend. Your boyfriend hates you a lot actually). But then there’s that girl who cares, she loves her boyfriend and genuinely wants to learn something about the sport . Oh, I know she could care less about the game and in the end, if every football player died, she wouldn’t blink, but her man likes football and she wants to be a part of that side of him so she’s willing to learn.

Well young lady, class is in session. I’m going to give you the most basic amount of football knowledge you need in the most lamen-est of terms. (Lamen-est is a football term. Try using it in a sentence never)

 

Scoring

As you know there is a football field. The field itself is 100yards long. There are two endzones at each end of those 100 yards. Depending on where the game is being played you will see the name and sigil of that team on both ends. In order for a team to get to their selected endzone he has to throw and or run the football towards that end. The defense is there to stop those men from getting to that endzone by any means necessary. The quarterback (leader of the offense) has 3-4 chances for every 10yards ultimately hoping to score. Think of it like a guy trying to get laid and you give him 3 chances per manoeuvre. 1- He has a good job, 2- great teeth, 3- speaks well…ok, that guy just got your phone number. He now has another four chances to get a kiss. 1- He has a nice car, 2-smells good, 3-paid for dinner and left a considerable tip …that gets him a kiss, maybe a boob touch. You see where I’m going? If the end result is sex (the endzone) then he has to keep making plays until finally…TOUCHDOWN! (sex). A touchdown gets you six points followed immediately by a field goal that gets you an additional point making it seven points per touchdown. The process is similar but the reward is different.


(forward to 16 seconds) Doing this after sex is normal right?

Offense

All you need to know is there is a quarterback, running back, wide receivers and an O-Line (O-Line is short for offensive line but say O-line around men and watch their eyes. Priceless) The quarterback is the leader of the offense and in certain cases leader of the team. He is the one that throws the ball. The people he is throwing the ball to are the wide receivers. Homoerotic implications aside, these are the slim fast guys you see running down the field jumping and catching balls (ok its kind of homoerotic but shut up). The running back is the short fella who the quarterback gives the ball to and he runs with it. Note the difference: The Quarterback THROWS the ball to the wide receivers but GIVES the ball to the running back. That’s the difference between a pass play and a run play respectively. The offensive line protects the quarterback from the defenders by pushing them away from him forming what is known as the pocket where he is able to throw the ball unharmed. Remember that time you and your girls were out and your friend Blendisha just had a really bad break up and was super drunk?

 

Yea.....that night

Yea…..that night

 

Remember what you guys did? The second a guy tried to approach her you formed a barrier around her which allowed her to dance and cry but kept the enemy at bay. You were the O-line and she was the quarterback. That little friend who you keep sending to the bar for shots is the running back and your gay friend who totally saw Blendisha’s boyfriend out with that fat hoe is the wide receiver who you motion to from a distance to ask him to get her water and the only man you trust to get her safely home.

 

Defense
Defense is simple; they are trying to stop the offense from accomplishing their goal of getting a touchdown. If the quarterback throws the ball and the defense catches the ball that is known as an interception which means that the opposing team now has control of the ball. Lets say you’ve been flirting with this guy at work, you know, the guy with the shoulders. You’ve been marching him down your flirtatious field of love all day then boom, in walks Shavaughn with her boobs and new weave. All of a sudden his attention is shifted and its now on stupid Shavaughn and how they go to the same gym. Your potential score was intercepted and now she is in control of the…um…ball(s).

 

Interception

Interception

 

 

Kickers are useless up until the time you need them. Remember how I said earlier that the goal of the offense was to get into the endzone? Sometimes that doesn’t happen but the team did get close enough for the kicker to kick what is known as a field goal. Not to be confused with the field goal I spoke of earlier that was worth only a single point. This field goal is because you DIDN’T score a touchdown but close enough to kick the ball through the uprights (big yellow “Y” shaped thing). It gets you three points as opposed to one point. Essentially they are the foreplay of football: Its not what you set out for when you started but it’ll do until you get the real thing.

Safety first...because...Ebola

Safety first…because…Ebola

 

Now there is more to it than what I’ve presented thus far but this is the base of it all. Once you’re aware of everything I’ve said above then you’re good to go. I can’t tell you everything because then your boyfriend is gonna be wondering who the hell gave you this information and how long you’ve been giving me handys; I don’t need that problem. Just spit out any of the above info and trust me he’ll be more than patient with you moving forward. And by all means still do all that cute stuff you guys like to do. You know, base the skill of the team on the asses of the men playing, picking teams by uniform colour and what their sigil is. Going for the team who’s the underdog because deep down you think you can fix it with faith and good vibes. Hint: if it didn’t work for your boyfriend then it probably wont work for the losing team. Otherwise good luck and godspeed ladies, go out there and impress men with your marginal knowledge about the sport that makes them ignore you all Sunday.

If you cant beat em, join em!

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