by ANDREW BAIN

Scandal season is upon us and it’s going be awesome.

To answer your question, that I’m sure came up the minute you clicked this link – no, I don’t watch Scandal. Although, I’m pretty sure it’s about some woman who has sex with a married president but then somehow that’s ok with women because she’s awesome and has Beyonce’s mind control, Rhianna’s sex appeal and Hilary Clinton’s power to divide. Is that about right? I think so.

Throw in some jungless fighting skills and we have ourselves a modern day Joan of Arc. For whatever it’s worth Scandal has turned itself into the female equivalent to Football and I’ll explain why.

 

  • Were you people aware that they call themselves the gladiators? Let that sink in. Only Football and Olivia Pope have the power to make countless people forget themselves and their government t names and for 24 hours, assume that they are Roman war machines ready for battle. (Albeit footballs octagon is filled with beer and wings and Scandals is filled with infidelity and “those shoes she had ontonight”). Armed with black girl neck shakes and sassy weave flips she takes down the strongest of enemies and solves all the worlds issues.

 

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That finger has the power to start wars and end an NFL career

Talk to any football fan on Sunday and ask them what they are without context. Chances are they’ll say they’re a Dolphin, Patriot etc. Gladiators are no different. Today approach a woman who watches Scandal and ask her what she is and watch what happens. She will pensively look in the direction of wherever she lives, raise her right fist to the sky, grit her teeth and whisper, in a blood curdling hair raising tone, “I am a Gladiator!”. I’ve seen it happen.

  • Scandal has a clothing line. Google it, ladies. I’ll wait. For all you men whose ladies are reading this and you see her stare wide eyed at her laptop then head for her purse, stop her. She’s about to use the BEC money to look like an actress portraying a mistress, but only on Thursday nights. You don’t want that problem, son. Yes, The Limited, an American clothing store is now selling Scandal-esque clothing. Sound familiar? Sure does. Countless men every Sunday flock to their respective bars and dress in their favorite athletes jerseys cause that helps the team win they think.

 

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If Only it were true

Now your woman can dress like a home wrecker she saw on TV and on Sundays you can dress like Tom Brady cause God knows you look just like him.

 

  • Scandal fans are forgiving just like NFL fans. Have you ever gone to see a Tyler Perry movie with your girl? Good, me neither. But I have definitely been home when my sisters or any female has just watched it. For the laymen, to summarize every Tyler Perry movie ever made, it goes like this: Woman is bitter and broken due to some horrible man who punches her always. She takes it for years until she finds white Jesus and a chiseled light skin guy who can save her from said face puncher with the power of Christian music and his ever ready schlong.

 

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He wants to spread God’s love all night long

 

Women come home mad because “you eat corn flakes just like that face punching cheater…what does that say about you as a man!?”. All you can do is shut up and go buy yourself some Fruit Loops. Those same women will watch Olivia Pope do every single thing that every single man in every single Tyler Perry movie has ever done and justify it….with conviction. Try it. Go to any woman and tell her, “You know Olivia Pope is the woman you all hate in real life right?”. Get ready for the lecture my friend cause you’re gonna be there a while and no, it wont make sense but you better nod and agree.

 

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“No baby, you’re right. She totes has her reasons. Totes!”

 

But its no different than Michael Vick killing dogs or Ritchie Incognito saying the N word. In real life we would genuinely be pissed to read that in the newspaper. But when it happens to a player on your football team? We let that shit slide real quick because the playoffs are coming and you can always buy another dog, PETA.

 

  • Scandal makes people annoying on Facebook just like football. Anyone who is on my Facebook knows that I don’t get personal. The odd hilarious observation or light hearted jab at a friend, but that’s about it. On Sundays I don’t care. I talk shit to everyone and if my mother was playing my team that day I’d probably talk shit to her too because…Colts, son! Men who don’t even go on Facebook outside of general ex-stalking go on just to talk shit to other guys about their respective teams. Check your feed on Thursday night. Women everywhere are talking shit about the show and/or their favorite character. During Scandal season my Facebook is littered with nonsensical ranting about whatever twist just happened, fashion choices, men that they don’t approve of and how awesome Olivia Popes one liner was. It usually ends with everyone agreeing that they cant wait for next week.

 

 

 

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All that Presidential cheating has her so horny right now.

 

  • Scandal is addicting. Do you know why I dont watch soap operas? Its not because I’m a man or because its “a girl thing”. I don’t watch soap operas because once you watch onE episode you’re stuck in. God help you if there is some woman there guiding you through the episode and making you feel feelings about the characters that you otherwise wouldn’t have had, had they not been there to explain the complexities of it (Yea, Grandma!)

 

 

 

 

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Remember when Ridge totally slept with …? I do

I know that once I start from season one and keep watching I’ll probably be as addicted as most women are. It’s the same with football really. Once someone can explain what’s happening and make sense of it then its very easy to become passionate about it. You end up making allegiances and never missing a game. It’s a slippery slope conversely Im sure. I’ve heard of woman yelling at the TV and I dare you to breathe her way while the show is on. She may murder you with fire. The only difference is football games are longer. Imagine a football game condensed into one hour of drama and you have Scandal.

 

So don’t interrupt fellas, go make a sandwich or enjoy a game of Madden. This is her time and she deserves it. Take the kids and give her her space. An hour before ask her if she wants her favorite fast food, get her a glass of wine and move on, there’s nothing to see here. We can’t ask her to shut up from 1-12am on Sunday and not give her this one hour to herself on Thursday. So cheers to you, Gladiators.

May Olivia Pope forever be the side chick you always wanted to be(are)!

I’ll let Drake play us off.

Drake cares more about Olivia Pope than you ever will, Mr President.

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