by Andrew Bain
Hey ladies. How are you this day that Beyonce, first of her name, has given us? I was busy reading Cosmo and sipping some Birthday Cake Pinnacale with a splash of daddy issues when I realized that women have NO clue what men actually want or need. You tell us all the time, sometimes 7 or 8 times in fact (which we love by the way), what it is YOU want but I doubt you guys truly know what we want. No, sweet princess this is not Cosmo and I am not whoever that lonely cake eating woman is who writes those articles. Lets also be clear that even though I love me some Jesus (Joel Osteen is that nigga during the Sunday hangover…let the church say…!) but this isn’t one of those articles where I share my pseudo Christian outlook on what men want from women. No…I’m not that guy or that meme. I, my dear ladies, am a man. A scotch drinking, filthy mouthed, bar hopping, wing eating, scratch and sniff my balls man. I’m here to spread the truth and nothing but the truth. . See I’m a minority as most of my friends are married and I hear their complaints so I’m giving you the inside scoop. You may wanna prepare for this cause this is not gonna go down easy.
1.Speaking of going down easy….maybe go down on your boyfriend.
Yes, I went there right off the bat. I was told the other day that there are still some of you that think BJs are gross and you would never do it. I’m not talking to those ladies cause they are single if not their boyfriends are somewhere cheating on them as I type these words. Carry on fellas, I get it. No I’m talking to that select group of females that think that BJs should be reserved for birthdays, Christmas and when you’re black out drunk. Now understand something before I continue that thought. If your boyfriend doesn’t return the favour regularly for you as he damn well should, because vagina is delicious, then I’m not talking to you either. Its only fair that it’s a 50/50 game. Oral sex works like firing off a nuke: we both have to be turning our keys for it to work. But if that dude is putting in his work down there then my God what gives you the right to think you shouldn’t? And we have an outty so ours more accessible, arguably cleaner, and way faster on the trigger. On that same note because ours is an outty that means we can pull that flesh stick out anywhere for quickies. There’s no excuses here. Why so much emphasis on this topic? Because you’ll be amazed how much better a mans mood gets when he knows wifey has no issue after 3 years of marriage pulling his thing out in the middle of the east/ west highway and getting him sorted out by the time he reaches that weird conchshell by the round about that looks like a swollen vag. That’s what we call irony, kids.
2. Talk to your friends, not us.
Now this is tricky because any relationship should include sharing and talking about each others day, absolutely. But my discussion goes like this : “Hey baby. Shitty day. Why? Same shit really. Boss being a dick and the same thing I was talking about last week. It is what it is though. How you?” Boom. Done. Now unless some outlandish shit happened or we had the odd horrible day then that’s pretty much what you’re gonna get. Men don’t like to burden women down with their problems because we have been conditioned into thinking we’re supposed to be able to take care of shit and not complain. Now ladies understand we care about your day…but honestly, we don’t really give a fuck. We care, but we don’t give a fuck. Know why? Cause you’re alive, didn’t get fired and you’re home. Otherwise we truly don’t give a fuck about what that bitch Keisha did that really upset you. Know why we don’t care? Cause you texted us about it when it happened. But before we read your text we saw your facebook status about how much you hate dumb bitches which was followed by a scripture verse that eluded to dumb bitches in your specific work place posted on a picture of Beyonce staring into the distance. We don’t care nor do we necessarily want to know. Know who does want to know? Your girlfriends. Tell them. That’s their job isn’t it? Which brings up no. 3.
3. Keep your friends out of our business!
Know whats really annoying? Women will come home and bitch about their friends…I mean really get deep into these women, Eg, looking at their Whatsapp, “This bitch Brenda (good friend) think she fooling someone into thinking she so holy with this scripture as her whatsapp status. ‘Member I was telling you she dealing with those brothers right? Well she has a new guy now and she just dealt with him last night and now going away Friday with one of the other brothers to go shopping for her son. Plus she still hasn’t told her baby daddy that the kid isn’t his.” Now understand we enjoy these stories, cause usually it’s the friend who looks innocent. But when shit goes down between you and I guess who’s name you call as a reference to back up your insane reasoning….THAT FRIEND. Do you honestly think we forgot about her past transgressions that YOU told US about? Hell no. How is Brenda my judge when she’s playing 3 dudes on the side? Cut it out. If we have issues leave that in house or talk to that one actual good friend who is married or is actually a good person. All women have one friend that men respect. Not because she takes your side but because shes usually the only one with common sense and thinks logically. Talk to her and stop telling Brenda our shit cause Brenda has too much of her own shit going on.
4. If you’re in my car I will play my music.
No, I don’t want to listen to Iggy Azelia all the way to church. I want to listen to Drake right now so I can think about my ex and regret you a little more. You don’t know me and you don’t know my struggle. I pay Commonewealth Bank for this car and you will respect it. When we get in your car you can play Nicki Minaj till your ears fall off and I’ll endure it. Endure mine too then please. K thanks.
5. You are not on an episode of Love and Hip Hop.
That also goes for Love and (insert sport/State/feitsh). The new thing now is for men to now be judged by what Stebie and these other rappers or athletes do in these shows. We’re not them and we don’t have their money either. I feel like every time women watch these shows all of a sudden driving in my moms 1987 Corolla is beneath you. You guys are aware all those cars are rented and so are those houses right? (Some woman is reading this and correcting me “Not Benzino, he have money for real!”. You my dear are the problem. Congrats.) These shows give you the false impression that that’s life and it isn’t. We cant afford those cars and you cant afford her weave. Let it go.